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SMB Freaky Show Episodes 1 to 8

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Story originally submitted to Super Mario Portal on September 30th, 2003 by Toasty 64

 

Chapter 1 - Freaks in Love

 

Mario: Yo, whoever is bothering to read this, it's the Super Mario Brothers Freaky Show! Dah-dah-dahhh, etc.

Fade in to a view of a typically mediterranean harbor resort village. Blue skies, colourful architecture, cats napping on the streets, the works.

"Plumber's log, number minus 1. We were in the mediterranean world for a relaxing weekend. However, while we weren't looking, Koopa's goons had kidnapped the princess. Yes, again. And by the time we had noticed she was missing, they had already taken her to Koopa's fort, miles away from the coast. Since the princess had all our plane tickets, hotel reservations and travellers' checks on her, it was imperative for us to rescue her sito presto! Trouble is, we needed a boat to get to Koopa's fort......"

-Luigi: I told you this would end in disaster. We'll never get hold of a boat. And even if we do find a boat, it'll be too expensive to afford. And even if we manage to rip off a boat, the police will capture us and we'll be shot for robbery. And even if we escape the police, the boat will spring a leak and we'll all drown. And even if we do reach Koopa's place, we'll be killed by Koopa's guards. It's hopeless, we had better just kill ourselves right now....

-Toad: Hey! What's wrong with you? You're lookin' kinda down to me-eeh!

-Mario: Yeah, great pep-talk, Luigi. Thanks a lot....-_-;

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a pep-talk?

-Mario: Never mind. Let's just see if we can rent a boat, allright?

-Toad: Better yet, a yellow submarine! Yeah! Yellow submar-eeh-een!

-Mario:....*sweatdrop* Why do I even bother?

-Luigi: But I told you, we can't afford to even rent a boat, so we'll be left to die horribly here, all alone.

-Mario: That's where you're wrong! I've thought of a brilliant and 100% fool-proof plan! We sell Luigi as a slave in return for a boat! Ta-daahhhh!

Cut to next scene: a view of Koopa's castle, located high atop a cliff in the sea. Fade in to a shot of Koopa wearing a pineapple-print hawaiian shirt and floral print short trousers. He's standing in front of a mirror with a pensive look on his face. Mouser comes rushing in.

-Mouser: Lord Koopa!

-Koopa: Ah, Mouser, perfect timing! I could use some help here. I'm not sure if this outfit's right for this kind of episode. I really think I should've gone with the strapless evening dress instead. Tell me what you think, this is just not right, is it?

-Mouser: Oh, it's just fine, lord Koopa. I....*blushes*...I think you're very handsome...*blushes more*.

-Koopa: Well, that goes without saying! Now, why did you come here anyways?

-Mouser: Uhmm...Oh yes, I came to tell you that our men have captured princess Toadstool!

-Koopa: Excellent, you've finally done something right for a change! Bring her to me at once, maybe she'll be able to pick a good outfit for this episode.

-Mouser: Right away, milord!

Mouser rushes off and comes back with the princess in a few moments.

-Koopa: Very good, now leave us, Mouser.

-Mouser: Y...yes, milord.

After Mouser has removed himself from the room, Koopa adresses the princess in these words, with a big grin on his face:

-Koopa: Princess! Finally, we're together again!

-Princess: Oh, Koopa, I'm so happy to be back with you! You can't imagine how boring it is to hang out with that Mario. He has no sex appeal whatsoever! Thank heavens you're here to kidnap me. If we couldn't have fun together, I would've died of boredom long ago! Oh, and your outfit is super hot, as usual!

-Koopa: Thanks, I appreciate it. At least you've got good taste.

-Princess: *gentle voice* Oh Koopa, my despicable hunk of horrid slime, you are so disgusting. I hate you so much it hurts.

-Koopa: Hmm, I just love it when you talk dirty!

-Princess: *still in a gentle, suave voice* You are such an utterly revolting bastard, I could just puke...

-Koopa: Oooh, yeah, treat me rough...

-Princess: *giggle* Oh, we have so much fun together!

Through a window, Mouser had been watching this scene, with a look of increasingly more intense anger on his face. Speaking in himself, he delivered the following comment:

-Mouser:...D...damn....

Close-up of Mouser's clenched fist, trembling with rage. Fade out and cut to the next scene: in the cantine of Koopa's castle, blue cigarette smoke is curling up towards the cieling, and faint blues music is heard as Mouser, seated by the bar, gulps down an enormous glass of alcohol, while his "co-workers", Triclyde and Fryguy watch him.

-Mouser: Glug....glug.....glups...ahhhh.

-Triclyde: Yo, Mouser, go easy on the booze. That's your sixth glass, you're drinking like a lunatic!

-Mouser: Aahh, shaddup! I'm trying to drown the bitter pain of my heartache, so butt out, you idiot!

-Triclyde: Heartache? *amused and mocking look* Oh, I see, you've been hitting on lord Koopa again, and as usual, he turned you down flat, right? Heh heh heh, that's just typical of you.

-Fryguy: Ho ho ho ho ho, Mouser sure is slow on the uptake! He still hasn't grasped that it'll never happen between him and lord Koopa!

-Triclyde: Ha ha ha ha ha, what a sucker!

-Mouser: Shut up! You bunch of bastards!!

-Fryguy: Eeyaah, scary!

-Mouser: It's always the same! Nobody understands how I feel! Nobody realises how much I suffer! It's so unfair! I hate you! I hate everyone! I want to dieeeee! Booooohooohoohoohoo!!

Overcome by a tide of self-pity, Mouser throws himself into a session of huge, desperate sobbing

-Fryguy: Ohhh, man, that was scary. He freaks me out when he shouts like that. I need a cigarrette....

-Mouser: *sobbing like a maniac* Boohoo, I'm so miserbale!

-Fryguy: *cigarette between his lips* Hmmm....maybe we've pushed him too far?

-Triclyde: Yes, maybe...Look, Mouser, don't take it so badly, we were just joking. Come on, cheer up, who knows, maybe something will someday happen between you and lord Koopa!

-Mouser: You...sniff...you really think so?

-Triclyde: Well, I dunno. Maybe it will someday happen....and then...well, and then he'll probably just dump you right away.

-Mouser: You brute! I hate you! Waaaah!!

-Fryguy: Great sense of tact, Clyde....*sweatdrop*

Cut to next scene: Mario, Luigi, Toad and Yoshi are installed in a small boat and sailing towards Koopa's castle.

-Mario: Talk about a lucky break! The guy from the boat rental store let us take a boat for free, begging us not to give him Luigi in return! He said he'd give us anything if we just kept Luigi away from him!

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a lucky break?

-Luigi: Nobody wants me.....nobody appreciates me....I have no value.

-Yoshi: But Mario, don't you think we should've forced the boat rental guy to give us all his food and money as well as the boat....?

-Mario: Oh drat, you're right! Can we still turn back and rob him of his food and money?

-Toad: Got to turn around! Got to turn around!

-Yoshi: Nobody asked you! Well, I think it's too late to turn back, but if we do get hungry, we could always eat Luigi.

-Mario: Oh yes, that's right. And besides, we have to get to Koopa's castle and save the princess immediately! She must be suffering terrible tortures in there!

Episode 1 - Freaks in love - Part 2

Cut to next scene. That evening, in the dining hall of Koopa's castle, the princess and Koopa are installed at a dinner table, both dressed in luxurious gala outfits. Glasses of champagne and large, red lobsters on silver plates are disposed onto their table."Terrible tortures" indeed, it would seem.... The princess opens the conversation with these words:

-Princess: Wow, you sure know how to make one feel at home! It's really swell of you to let me borrow this dress, by the way.

-Koopa: Oh, it's nothing, I hardly wear it anymore as it is. Ostrich feathers don't look too good on me....

-Princess: Well, I'm very grateful. Here's to us!

-Koopa: Yes, to us...

Their champagne glasses clink together, and Koopa continues in these words:

-Koopa: And there will be no pesky Marios to interrupt us this time, I assure you. It's just you and me now....

However, unknown to Koopa, that last sentence was not quite true, as Mouser was standing just outside the dining room and had been secretly spying on this whole scene. Boiling with inner rage, he speaks the following words to himself:

-Mouser: Damn you, princess Toadstool, damn you to everlasting hell! How dare you do this to me?! How dare you?!!

Cut to next scene. In the castle security control room, a Koopa Troopa is intently staring at a monitor. He then picks up a microphone and belts out the following phrase:

-Koopa Troopa: Red alert! The Marios are here! They're right outside the castle gates! Everyone to battle stations!

Cut to a shot of Triclyde and Fryguy running through the castle corridors with various Goombas, while an alarm bell is ringing in the background

-Fryguy: Eek! It's the Marios! They're here! I'm scaaaared!!

-Triclyde: Oh, stop being such a baby! Our orders are to make sure that lord Koopa and the princess will not be disturbed during their candlelight supper! We musn't fail!!

-Fryguy: But I can't go out into battle without a cigarette first! I neeeeed a cigarette!

Fryguy then stuffs his mouth with several cigarettes

-Fryguy: Got a light, Clyde?

-Triclyde: Here ya go.

Triclyde holds up a lighter in front of Fryguy. This produces the following reaction.

-Fryguy: Eeek! Keep that thing away from me! Not so close, I'll singe my skin!

-Triclyde: *sweatdrop* There's just no pleasing you....What I wonder about is, where did Mouser go? He should be here...

Cut to a shot of Mouser, still standing outside the dining room and still filled with grief and bitterness

-Mouser: For years and years, I loyally serve lord Koopa, but never once does he notice my feelings for him...and then, this little princess Toadstool brat just walks in and has candlelight suppers with him! Why....why for her and not for me?!!

Cut to next scene. Mario and his gang are standing outside the gates of Koopa's castle.

-Mario: This is hopeless, we'll never get into the castle. We've tried everything, from hurling Luigi at the door to trying to break the lock, but this door just won't budge! How will we ever get in there?!

-Toad: Fiiiind another way to me, find another way and make me free!

-Mario: You stay out of this!! Allright, there's only one option left....Yoshi, eat the door!

-Yoshi: Zzzz...snore....zzzzz

-Mario: No way! Yoshi, this is no time to nap! Wake up, this instant!!

-Yoshi: Zzzzzz....

Triclyde, Fryguy and a flock of nasties appear on the castle ramparts and begin to mock Mario

-Triclyde: Haaa ha ha ha, look at those morons! They're to stupid to even get past the entry door!

-Fryguy: Eeyaah, these ramparts are scary! I'm afraid of altitudes!

Mario has noticed their taunting and is now even more angered than before.

-Mario: Grrr, just you wait. I'm not going to lose to someone who'se afraid of altitudes! ...Wait a minute, that's it! We'll throw Luigi over the castle walls! That way he'll be inside the castle and he can open the door from the inside!

-Luigi: No, I can't.....I'm useless, I can never do anything right....

-Mario: Oh, stop complaining!

Mario then picks up his brother and violently flings him into the air. Luigi sails through the air, and it looks as if he will indeed land inside the castle courtyard. However, Triclyde has prepared a counter-offense: several gun turrets on the castle ramparts fire Bullet Bills at Luigi. The Bullet Bills all hit their target dead-on, and a singed and toasted Luigi comes crashing down in front of Mario and the others.

-Mario: Damn, can't you do anything right, Luigi?!

-Luigi: I told you so.....

-Triclyde: Wah ha ha ha ha! You idiots! Just give it up! You'll never get in here! No way will we allow you to interrupt our great master's evening!

Cut to shot of Koopa and the princess, still seated at the deluxe dinner table, excanging a few remarks

-Princess: Do you remember that time when you wore a Sailor Eternal Moon costume to the annual megalomaniacs conference? That was great!

-Koopa: Of course, I could never forget. I was a hit!

Camera pans out to a shot of Mouser, still standing outside the dining room, with his inner fury almost reaching breakpoint.

-Mouser: Daaaaamn you, princess Toadstool! I will never allow you to steal lord Koopa away from me! He's mine!! If you so much as lay a finger on him, you will diiiie! Aaargh!!

No longer able to contain his intense rage, Mouser rams his head against a nearby wall with his full force. Slowly, the wall he's just head-butted begins to crack, and with one huge rumble, Koopa's entire castle begins to crumble to bits. As the castle gradually crashes to the ground, the soldiers on the castle ramparts freak out.

-Triclyde: Whoaaa, what is going on?!

-Fryguy: Mommyyyy! This is scaryyyyyy!!

In a matter of minutes, the whole castle is turned into nothing but a pile of rubbles. Standing in the middle of this mess is Mouser, with a huge lump on his head. A few feet away from him, Koopa and the princess are still seated at their dinner table, only now the table is covered with debris, and they are both too stunned to talk. Small bits of rubble float in their champagne glasses. Mario is the first one to break the silence.

-Mario: Oh! There's the princess! Just as I expected, Koopa was forcing her into horrible things! Don't worry, princess, we're here! Let's go, quickly!

Mario rushed over to the table, grabs the princess's arm and drags her towards their boat. The princess suddenly snaps out of her shock and pronounces these words:

-Princess: Huh? What the? Hey, wait! I haven't finished my lobster yet! Noo, lemme go!! I never get a chance to eat lobster without paying for it! Stop it, I wanna go back! Kooopaaaa!!

But all Koopa does is sit there and stare in disbelief. The princess is dumped into the Marios' boat and they sail off into the distance. After a few moments of silence, Koopa regians his spirits and dazedly looks around. He then casually walks over to Mouser, who is still standing there with an enormous lump on his head, and begins to violently pound him with a mallet.

-Koopa: Idioooot!! This is all your doing! You complete and absolute idiot!!

After a short session of mallet-whacking, Mouser is lying on the ground in a small, crumpled pile. He comments on the situation with these words:

-Mouser: Aahhh, this pain...such an intense feeling....that is the strength of our love...mmm, yes, yes......

-Koopa:...*sweatdrop* What are you talking about?

Cut to next scene. The Marios are sailing into the sunset with their boat. Mario adresses these words to the princess:

-Mario: There, it's all over now, princess, you're safe!

-Princess: *monotone* Yeah, well, thanks a lot......

-Toad: And we've also saved our hotel reservations, plane tickets and travellers checks! Right on, baby!

-Yoshi: Is a traveller's check tasty?

-Princess: Well, about all those things...I left them in the pocket of my pink dress. I didn't take them with me when I changed into this ostrich- feathered dress Koopa lent me, so they must still be somewhere among the debris of Koopa's castle....

-All: No wayyyy!!

 

Chapter 2 - All is Wrong in Love and War

 

"Plumber's log, number 666, the Angel world was at war with the Devil world. This situation had a very negative effect on the Mushroom Kingdom's export market, and they were making so much noise that we could hear them all the way in the Mushroom Kingdom. This couldn't go on any longer, so we sent a delegation to the royal castle of the Angel world. Since we weren't able to afford a proper delegation, we instead opted to go there by ourselves..."

Camera zooms in to a view of the Angel world castle. Inside, queen Aphrodite the third is sitting on her throne. Opposite to her is a young man with long blonde hair. Aphrodite 3 addresses him in these words:

-Aphrodite: Limone, what message do you bring me?

-Limone: Limone? Who's Limone?

-Aphrodite: Oh God, don't tell me you ve lost your memory again?!

-Limone: Did I lose my memory? That's funny, I don't remember doing so....

-Aphrodite: Ohhh, this is hopeless! How am I ever supposed to pull the Angel world through this dumb war when I have such useless flunkies! If you keep losing track of your memory every five minutes, I shall have to fire you, Limone!

-Limone: Oh, am I your employee? It's news to me.....

-Aphrodite....*big sigh*

At that moment, an angel rushes in and speaks these words to Aphrodite:

-Angel: Queen Aphrodite 3, the visitors from the Mushroom Kingdom are getting impatient. They want to know if you will see them now. Didn't lord Limone tell you about their arrival?

-Aphrodite: Well, you know how Limone is.....anyway, show these visitors in, whoever they may be.

The angel fetches Mario, Luigi, Toad, Yoshi and the princess and leads them into Aphrodite 3's throne room and introduces them with these words:

-Angel: The delegation from the Mushroom Kingdom!

-Mario: Yeah, some delegation.....

-Yoshi: What's a delligayshun? Is it tasty?

-Aphrodite: Well, princess Toadstool of the Mushroom Kingdom, it is an honor to receive you here in the Angel world. What brings you to us?

-Princess: Well, I dunno how to put it....what I came here for is to ask...well, in a nutshell...couldya turn down the noise a bit?

-Aphrodite: Noise?

-Princess: Yeah, the noise. If you want to go to war with the Devil world, then that's fine with me, but do it quietly, okay? You're making such a racket that we can hear you all the way in the Mushroom Kingdom, and it's driving us up the wall!

-Mario: This was supposed to be a peace delegation, but I don't think it's going the right way...

-Luigi: Oh well, there is no such thing as true peace as it is. Life is nothing but conflict and suffering......

-Aphrodite: Well, I do apologies for the inconvenience, but I'm afraid you came to the wrong place. You see, the ones who started this whole war in the first place were the people of the Devil world.

-Princess: Oh, right, blame the neighbours.

-Aphrodite: No, seriously. We used to get along just fine with the Devil world. I was thick as thieves with their queen, but she mysteriously disappeared, and a new ruler appeared in the Devil world. This new ruler is responsible for this war, and his name is Koopa! You should blame him!

-Yoshi: If we get to dis Koopa, its okay with me ^^.

-Mario: Koopa has taken over the Devil world and has started this war! That's terrible!

-Luigi: Everything is terrible. We'll probably all get killed by Koopa's goons any minute now...

-Princess: Uhm...excuse me, but where's the loo?

-Ahprodite: Eh?? Oh, right, uhm....second door to your left.

The princess leaves the throne room, and in the hallway, she takes out her mobile phone and dials Koopa's number. After a while, the phone is answered in these words:

-Koopa: Yeah, now what the heck is it?

-Princess: Eehee, you sure sound sexy when you're snarling!

-Koopa: Oh, it's you! Nice to hear you again.

-Princess: Same here. Listen, I hear you're in the Devil world right now?

-Koopa: That's right, and it's a swell place! You should come over, I know you'd just love it.

-Princess: Well, I would, but there's a bit of a problem. See, I'm stuck here in the castle of the Angel world with Mario and those other bums. I can't just dart off for no reason, they'd get suspicious.

-Koopa: I see. Well, don't worry, we'll just go for the old kidnapping routine, it works every time. I'll send some of my flunkies round to pick you up, okay?

-Princess: Okay, see you soon!

Having finished her telephone call, she returns to the throne room where Mario and the others are studying a map of the Devil world. While intently staring at the large piece of paper he's holding, Mario delivers the following comment:

-Mario: It's odd, but the geographical lay-out of the Devil world looks almost exactly like a videotape recorder.....

-Princess: That's because what you're holding there isn't a map of the Devil world, it's the manual of a VCR.

-Mario: Eh?....Ohh, now I get it! This is the manual for a VCR, that's why it didn't work!

-Toad: So, where's the real map then?

-Mario: Hmmm....I have no idea....it was here a minute ago.....

-Yoshi: Burps! Whoops, Yoshi sorry.

-Mario:.......Oh good heavens.....you don't think....

-Toad: Yoshi! Be honest, did you eat the map of the Devil world?!

-Yoshi: Yes, it's all true! I admit! But I couldn't help it! I hadn't eaten for at least 30 seconds!

-Mario: Someone will have to explain why Yoshi always chooses the exact item that we need most as his next snack. Look, Yoshi, next time you feel an uncontrollable urge to eat something, just eat Luigi, allright? At least we're sure that we'll never need him.

-Toad: But now how will we ever successfully get through the Devil world without a map?

-Yoshi: Oh, what a horrible dilemma!

-Toad: Yes, and it's al your fault in case you had forgotten.

-Princess: Look, take it easy, everyone. I'm sure that a logical and rational solution will soon come to us.

Just as she has spoken this phrase, the whole castle suddenly begins to tremble, loud screams are heard from everywhere, and a nervous angel comes rushing into the throne room, bringing the following message

-Angel: Your majesty, Queen Aphrodite the third! It's a disaster! The entire army of the Devil world is here! They're attacking our castle!

-Aphrodite: Say whaaaat?! And they didn't even ring to say that they were coming over?! How horrible! *turns to Limone* Limone, it is your duty to defend this castle!

-Limone: Hm? Castle? Which castle?

-Aphrodite: This castle, of course! You're standing in it as of now!

-Limone: Oh, that's right. Nice place, innit?

-Aphrodite: Who cares?! We're under siege, so get out on the castle ramparts this instant!

-Limone: Right away!....Whoever you are.....

Limone then rushes off but comes back to the throne room in a matter of seconds, with a very serious look on his face.

-Limone: Hey, you! The weirdo lady!

-Aphrodite: Doh! He has no idea that he's talking to the queen of the Angel world!

-Limone: Something extremely serious has come up......it's like this.....I just remembered.....

-Aphrodite: Limone....

-Limone: ....that I have absolutely no idea how to get to the castle ramparts!

-Aphrodite: Dooohhhhhh!!!

Driven to desperation by Limone's ineptitude, Aphrodite falls flat on her face. She slowly peels herself off the floor again and gives Limone a maddened, bloodthirsty stare, while clutching a baseball bat in her hands

-Limone: Oh! Who are you? I don't remember ever seeing you before....Nice place you got here by the way.....

-Aphrodite: I....I can't....take this any longerrrr......

-Mario: Hey, relax, Aphrodite, we've dealt with Koopa before. We can handle this situation. We'll head for the ramparts and fend off his creeps with great ease, right, lads?

-Toad: Yeah, whatever.....

-Luigi: I'll go. My life has no value, it makes no difference if I die or not....

-Yoshi: Are ramparts tasty?

-Mario: Allright then! We'll defend the Angel world castle from Koopa's invasion!

-Aphrodite: Well, that's very thoughtful of you. You might as well take that bum Limone wih you, who knows, he could be useful as a decoy.

-Limone: Who's this Limone, then?

-Princess: As for me, I think I'll just stay here and do nothing whatsoever while you lot bravely risk your lives out there!

-Mario: Yes, that is an excellent strategic decision, princess! Allright then, we're off!

Mario, Luigi, Toad, Yoshi and Limone disappear from the throne room. The princess, meanwhile, takes a look out of a window and contemplates the masses of Koopa Troopas that are storming the castle.

-Princess: *sigh* To think that Koopa has mobilized all those troops just to pick little old me up...Aah, there is just something so exciting about power!

The door to the throne room is then suddenly slammed open and Triclyde, Mouser and Fryguy stride in.

-Triclyde: We've got you now, princess! We were sent here by lord Koopa to take you, and there's no way you can escape anymore, so just come along calmly!

-Princess: *cheerfully* Okay, I'm coming, guys!

-Aphrodite: Uhm....did I miss something

-Princess: Oh drat! Uhm...I mean...Please, Mr. Triclyde, pleeease! I beg of you, don't harm my precious friend queen Aphrodite! I will willingly sacrifice myself and endure all the sick, sadist tortures that you'll impose on me, but for the love of God, don't hurt dear Aphrodite!

-Aphrodite: Oh.....

-Triclyde: That's better. *in a low voice* We don't want your affair with our master to leak out, now do we, princess Toadstool?

-Aphrodite: No, I can't allow this! You, the freak with three heads, take me instead of this noble girl!

-Triclyde: Eh??

-Princess: Uhm...yes, that's...very nice of you, Aph, but it's no big deal, really...

-Aphrodite: No, I can't just stand here and watch while such a brave woman is being kidnapped by a trio of wierdos! I insist that they take me intead!

-Princess: Oh, brother.....

Aphrodite and the princess continue to argue about who has to be "sacrificed", while Koopa's three henchmen exchange these words.

-Fryguy: Great, now what are we supposed to do?

-Triclyde: We could just kidnap them both.....

-Fryguy: And then what?

-Triclyde: Well, then we....

-Mouser: Enough!! All of you shut the hell up!! I've had it up to here!

Mouser's outburst of anger manages to silence everyone in the room, including Aphrodite and the princess.

-Mouser: *breathing heavily* I can't stand it anymore....princess Toadstool! You backstabbing fiend! Who the hell do you think you are, anyways?! I will never forgive you for what you have done! Having a romantic supper with my lord Koopa, right underneath my very eyes, that was the last straw!

-Fryguy: Eep, Mouser is being scary! Stop him, Clyde!

-Mouser: I'm warning you, princess Toadstool, you human kewpie doll! Know that if you want to so much as lay a finger on lord Koopa, you'll have to answer to me!

-Triclyde: This is getting out of hand....Oi, Mouser, take it easy....

-Mouser: You stay out of this, Triclod!

Mouser then punches Triclyde's face with such force that the three-headed creature faints on the spot

-Fruguy: Eeeeh!! Scary!! *faints as well*

-Mouser: This matter is just between princess Toadstool and me! You've gone far enough as it, Toadstool, it's time to end this!!

Mouser then whips out two gatling guns and starts to fire them wildly, laughing like a maniac. The princess and Aphrodite start to tap-dance around like lunatics to avoid the bullets.

-Aphrodite: Eeyaaah!! Who is this nutter?!

-Princess: Eek! Wait! Mouser, can't we just talk this over?

-Mouser: Get twisted, you sick Gumby woman! Talk it over?! Wuhahahahaha!! In yer dreams, girly! Lord Koopa is mine! Mine, do you hear?! Waahahahahaaa!!

This scene continues until Mouser's gatling guns run out of ammo. With an angered yell, he flings them away and takes out two rocket launchers instead

-Mouser: Next one! Eat this!!

The content of the rocket launchers is fired into the throne room. In a matter of seconds, the whole castle is filled with rockets flying about and exploding all over the shop. Gradually, the entire castle starts to crumble because of this. Up on the ramparts, total panic breaks out. Cut to a shot of Mario and the others running around in hysteria as the very ground under their feet begins to crumble.

-Toad: Whoa, what's going on?!

-Yoshi: I swear that this time, it's not my stomach growling!

-Luigi: Just as I expected, we will all die horribly....not that it matters.....

Cut back to a shot of the throne room, which is now mostly blown to smithereens. Mouser has used up his rockets, and is now holding a humongous bazooka and grinning like a loon.

-Mouser: Prrrriiiiincessss Toadstooooool....for all that you have done to me....you will die, screaming!

-Princess: Wait a minute! I you fire that thing in here, you'll blow up the entire castle!

-Mouser: That's the idea! I will blow you sky high! Woohahaaaa! Splash, boom!!

Camera zooms in on Mouser's finger pulling back the trigger of his bazooka, then cuts to a shot of Koopa driving in a large black sports car, while muttering these words to himself:

-Koopa: What's taking those boneheads so long? They should've been back at the Devil world castle with the princess long ago. Grrrmbl, I bet they've freaked up even this simple assignment. Hrmph, if I want something done, I'll have to do it myself. Right, the Angel world castle should be just around the corner, I'll just rip off the princess by myself. I really can't depend on my dim underlings!

Koopa parks his car, gets out and contemplates the impressive view of the majestic Angel world castle stretching out before him. The Angel world castle in the distance then explodes into a million pieces. Koopa's eyes widen and his jaw drops at the sight of this. Cut to a shot of the only bits and bobs of rubble that are left of the castle. Everyone is lying unconscious among the debris. The only ones left standing are Mouser and the princess.

-Princess: See? I told you you'd blow up the whole shop.

-Mouser: Damn you! I command you to die, this instant!

Mouser then takes out a double-barreled shotgun and aims it at the princess. However, before he can fire the shotgun, a large green hand is placed on his left shoulder, and Koopa's voice is heard, addressing him in these terms

-Koopa: Mouser....

Mouser turns around, shocked and flustered

-Mouser: Oh...Lord Koopa.....

-Koopa: Mouser...I'm glad to have found you....you see, there is something very important I have been wanting to tell you for such a long time....

-Mouser: *blushes*.....really?

-Koopa: Yes...I've hesitated long, but now I'm ready to tell you how I really feel. Please listen well...

-Mouser:...milord....

Mouser then takes off his sunglasses and raises his eyes to Koopa

-Mouser: I'm listening.....

-Koopa: Mouser.....I think you are.....you are....an absolute idiooooot!!

Enraged, Koopa uppercuts Mouser into the air. Mouser is sent flying off into the distance by the mighty blow, emitting screams of despair. The princess then speaks up.

-Princess: My hero! Oh, Koopa, that was so cool! You've saved me from that freak, just in time! You're woooonderful!

-Koopa: Hang on, it gets better. I managed to get tickets for "Phantom of the Opera", front row seat, just you and me!

-Princess: Oh, brilliant! So you're cultured as well as rich and sexy?! Wow, you really do have everything!

-Koopa: Well, only the best is good enough for you....Let's go, my car is parked just down the road.

Koopa and the princess walk away, exchanging a few more remarks. The camera zooms out from the pile of rubble that was once the Angel world castle. Sound of crows cawing is heard in the distance.

 

Chapter 3 - Doctor of my Heart

 

"Plumber's log, number 911. We had received this distress call from king Penicillin of Medicaland. Since we had nothing else to do, we decided to pay him a visit and see what was wrong. Besides, it was bound to be something strictly meaningless like a lost contact lens or something. Anyway, we went to Medicaland and were received in king Penicillin's castle...."

Fade in to a shot of a large skyscraper-like building. A large red cross and red neon letters spelling "Medicaland royal castle" light up on the building's front. Inside, Mario and his gang are standing opposite to a nervous-looking king Penicillin

-Penicillin: Oh, thank heavens you came! It's terrible! You must help me, I beg of you!

-Mario: Hey, no sweat, we'll find your lost contact lens!

-Penicillin: My contact lens has got nothing to do with it! No, it's my daughter, Princess Aspirin. She was kidnapped!

-Mario: Oh, I see, and so you called the experts of Princess-rescuing, eh?

-Penicillin: I did, but they were too busy so I had to resort to you lot....

-Mario: Hrrrm...*sweatdrop*. Well, you know that heroism doesn't come cheap. We won't do this unless you pay us big time!

-Yoshi: And give us lots of food!

-Penicillin: Anything you say! Just as long as you can bring my dear Princess Aspirin back!

-Luigi: But that's impossible. We have no idea where she is, we're all so useless and powerless. We can't do anything.....

-Toad: Oh, shut up, you sound like you're reading from an Evangelion script.

-Princess: Yeah, as if we could ever afford scriptwriters of that caliber...

-Mario: But he does have a point. We have no clue as to where we might find this Princess Aspirin person.

-Penicillin: Don't worry! I managed to identify the kidnapper, and I even have a picture. The one who kidnapped my daughter is the dreaded Nurse Koopa!

The king produces a photo of Koopa dressed in a hospital nurse's uniform, complete with high-tops and stockings, and holds it up to Mario's face

-Princess: What?!

-Mario: Oh, kinky Koopa's at it again, eh?

-Toad: *flat, monotone voice* Man, what a surprise....

-Penicillin: Nurse Koopa has taken my daughter to his clinic. You must go there and rescue her!

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a clinic?

-Mario: Well, I dunno...you still haven't told us what we're getting for it.

-Princess: *to herself* What the heck is this all about?! Is Koopa cheating on me with this Princess Aspirin? Or is she trying to steal Koopa away from me? Why would he kidnap someone else besides me? What is the relation between Koopa and this other woman? I've got to find out what this is all about, and make sure that Koopa remains mine

-Mario: So you see, king Penicillin, we're just about the best in the business, and our wages are pretty high....

-Princess: Never mind that! We're going to storm Nurse Koopa's clinic right away! Chaaaarge

The Princess rushes out of the room, dragging the four others behind her.

-Penicillin: But...but wait! I haven't even told you where Nurse Koopa's clinic is yet!

Fade out and cut to a view of Koopa's clinic -another big hospital-like building, only this time emblazoned with a large logo that reads -"Koopa Clinic"- Cut to a shot of the clinic cantine. Mouser, Triclyde and Fryguy are sitting around the bar, in their usual slumped poses. Mouser is wearing a white lab coat, and Triclyde is wearing stethoscopes on his three heads.

-Triclyde: Oh man, that was some fiasco at the Devil world...I need a coffee.....

A large mug of coffee is shoved in front on Triclyde. His leftmost head sighs and dunks it's snout into the mug, and proceeds to make gross slurping noises.

-Fryguy: *takes a cigarette from between his lips and blows some smoke rings. He then looks at the cofee-slobbering Triclyde* Won't his left head drown like that?

-Mouser: Who cares? I don't see why we're wasting our time in this dump. I mean, what does lord Koopa want with yet another Princess anyway?

-Fryguy: Heh heh, didn't you know? By kidnapping another woman, he wants to make his sweetheart jealous.

-Mouser: But, there's no need for him to make me jealous! He knows that I will forever love him as it is!

-Fryguy: I wasn't referring to you, you dope! Man, you are so dense! By "his sweetheart", I meant Princess Toadstool, and not you of course.

-Mouser: Sob...you could put it more delicately. A human heart feels pain so easily. Therefore, all men are fundamentally alone....

-Fryguy: Yeah, now where did I hear that line before?

-Triclyde: Oh drat, my leftmost nose got stuck in this darned coffee mug. Hey, can someone get this mug off my nose?

-Mouser: If it's a nose job you want, go to the fifth floor.

-Triclyde: No, get this coffee mug off my nose! Not "get this nose off my mug"!

-Mouser: Oh, that. Actually, I think it sort of suits you.

-Fryguy: Well, anyway, aren't we supposed to be preparing the defenses around the clinic, in case we get attacked?

-Triclyde: Hmm, that's right. We're usually buried with new combat orders in the mornings, but they're late today...

-Fryguy: Well, you know that lord Koopa's not really a morning person. He's probably still taking a lengthy shower right now.

-Mouser: Gulp....Lord Koopa....taking a shower...?? Whoaaa!!

Mouser falls to the ground, with large streams of blood shooting from his nostrils, and then faints.

-Fryguy: Eeeek! Scary! I can't stand the sight of blood! Quick,a cigarette!

-Triclyde: Man, that was some nosebleed. I never knew Mouser had it for lord Koopa that bad....

-Fryguy: Hmm...yeah.... *sweatdrop*

Suddenly, an alarm bell rings, red lights start to flash, and the following message is belted out through a speaker:

-"Emergency! Emergency! Intruders spotted at the main entry gate! We're under attack!"-

-Fryguy: Eeeek! Oh my god, that's scaryyy! More cigarettes, quick!

-Triclyde: Take it easy, it's probably just Mario and his dopes.

Suddenly, Mouser rises to his feet, with lumps of cotton stuck in his nostrils to stop his nosebleed, and with a huge, nasty grin on his face

-Mouser: It's that Princess Toadstool again! She's here! That will be a perfect opportunity to continue our little conversation from the Angel world castle! Quick, I need to load up my machine guns!

-Fryguy: Eeeeh! It's so frightening when he does his psycho routine! Clyyyde, I'm scaaared!

-Triclyde: *sweatdrop* Am I the only normal person in here?

-Fryguy: You're not normal...

-Mouser: You two, listen up! I want you to drive the Princess into my lair, so I can blow her to pieces!

-Triclyde: But, we're not supposed to kill our master's girlfriend.....

-Mouser: *glares angrily* Don't you contradict me.

-Fryguy: Yikes! Scary! He means it, we had better not make difficulties, Clyde.

-Triclyde: Gulp...I think you're right.

Cut to a shot of the Princess furiously kicking in the door to Koopa's clinic. The door is smashed to bits, and she enters the clinic, followed by Mario and the others.

-Princess: Grrr, Koopa has some serious explaining to do!

-Toad: Wow, the Princess isn't usually this determined....

-Mario: Oh, look, Koopa's weloming party is heading right for us.

Triclyde, Fryguy and a pack of Koopa Troopas armed with huge injection needles arrive on the scene.

-Triclyde: Wu ha ha ha ha! End of the road, Mario! You've got no chance against us! These giant injection needles are full of deadly germs; one small prick from them and you will have mad cow's disease for the rest of your life! And if that fails, we can always kill you by injecting an overdose of heroin into you! Uwa ha ha ha!

The Koopa Troopas chuckle nastily and brandish their giant injection needles.

-Yoshi: Is an injection needle tasty?

-Princess: You don't scare me, Twerpclyde! And what's with the coffee mug on your left nose? Really cute...

-Mario: Oh no, this is very bad. Don't provoke him! Dodgy medicine is something to be dreaded indeed. I say we forget about fighting them and ruin all the action by simply legging it!

-Toad: Yes, that is a brilliant, unexpected and certainly very effective move!

-Luigi: I say it sucks....

-Toad: Well, it does, actually, but a "run away quickly" scene is easier to animate than a big fight scene. Our budget is low enough as it is, you know.

-Yoshi: What's a budget? Is it tasty?

-Mario: Never mind, let's just make a run for it!

-Princess: But I wanna smash their skulls in!

-Toad: Hmm, whatever happened to little miss me-so-bimbo?

-Triclyde: Are you quite finished?! I hate it when I get ignored like that! Koopa Troopas, go! Inject them full of dodgy germs! Do it!

-Fryguy: Clyde, you're supposed to say "Koopa pack, attack!"

-Triclyde: Oh, gimme a break, that sounds way too cheesy. Now hurry up, Troopas! Fight! Kill! Rip!

The Troopas rush towards Mario and his gang, who run away at full speed. After a pointless chase scene, they're stuck at a dead end.

-Mario: Oh, crap, a dead end!

-Luigi: Oh, how miserable. We'll all be injected with mad cow's disease and die very embarrassingly.

-Toad: Oh, that's just great. This always happens when we do a "run away quickly" scene.

-Yoshi: Everyone, look! There's an elevator right next to us! Let's escape into the elevator!

-Toad: Gee, something like that always happens when we do a "stuck in a dead end" scene

They rush into the elevator, just before Triclyde and the Koopa Troopas manage to catch up with them.

-Triclyde: Drat, they escaped into the elevator!

-Fryguy: That always happens when we do a "trap them in a dead end" scene....*sigh* Oh well, got any smokes left, Clyde?

Cut to a shot of the Mario gang inside the elevator, staring at the buttons on the control panel

-Toad: Hmmm, which floor should we go to? There are about twenty different floors, and we have no idea where we might find Princess Aspirin.

-Luigi: I told you this was doomed to failure....

-Princess: Look, someone's drawn a big red circle around the button for floor 15....That's odd, isn't it?

-Toad: Could it be a clue?

-Yoshi: Is a clue something tasty?

-Mario: Naw, it's probably an elaborate plan to kill us by tempting us into pressing a button that will cause the elevator to self-destruct!

-Princess: Oh dear, what a dilemma!

-Toad: Well, you had better make up your minds quickly, as Yoshi has started eating the elevator!

-Everyone: Yikes!!

Cut to a shot of Yoshi who is munching away at the elevator walls

-Yoshi: Yum! This elevator thing is tasty!

-Mario: You idiot! Stop eating that or we'll all fall to our doom!

-Toad: Aah, forget it! Let's just press that dumb button, before I get claustrophobia!

Immediately, Toad rams the button for floor 15. A silence follows....

-Mario: Moron! You've just single-handedly sent us to hell! That button was a booby trap, just like I expected!

But suddenly, the elevator starts to move upwards, to floor fifteen, perfectly normally.

-Mario: Or maybe it's not....Oh, I forgot that Koopa is a complete idiot who could never in yer life design such an intricate strategy!

-Toad: And even if he could, our producers could never afford a prop for an exploding elevator.

-Luigi: It's important to remember that the best course of action in this show is to just switch off your brain completely.

The elevator arrives at floor fifteen and it's doors open to reveal a long corridor, at the end of which is located a single door. Everone walks down the corridor toward the door at it's end.

-Mario: Could this be the door to Princess Aspirin's prison cell?

-Princess: We'll find out soon enough!

With another enraged kick, she destroys the door in front of them.

-Toad: Is she making a habit out of destroying doors?

-Yoshi: She's not acting like her usual self today.....

-Mario: Maybe she's having her period?

-Princess: Guys, look, the door I've just smashed leads to a weirdo room

Camera pans around the room whose door the Princess has just kicked in. The walls are covered with posters of Koopa, a small altar with a photo of Koopa on it and many candles and bouquets of flowers stands in the middle of the room, bearing the inscription "To my love". On a bed in a corner of the room sits a huge plush doll of Koopa.

-Everyone: Oooh, what a weirdo room!

-Toad: Look at this, there are shelves with nothing but scrapbooks full of photos of Koopa all over the place....

-Luigi: Even the curtains and the wallpaper have Koopa's face printed on them.

-Mario: It's like a Koopa shrine in here.

-Yoshi: That big Koopa plush doll looks kind of tasty....

-Princess: This must be the room of someone with a serious Koopa-obsession...

Suddenly, Mouser appears in the doorway.

-Mouser: That is correct! You are in my domain here, Princess Kewpie Doll!

-Princess: Argh, it's the rat!

-Mouser: "Rat"?! Why you little nuisance, it's Doctor Mouser to you!

-Princess: Oh, that's right, the hysterical one who has the hots for Koopa.

-Mouser: Tsch, speak for yourself, you tramp! I didn't get a chance to finish you off at the Angel world castle, but this time, there'll be no escaping!

With those words, Mouser takes out two plasma rifles and aims them at the Princess and the others.

-Mouser: Eat laser missile death, you imbeciles!

-Princess: But, wait a minute, Mouser, we're on the same side here. Princess Aspirin is a rival to both of us, shouldn't we concentrate on that?

-Mouser: I'm not falling for that! After all the suffering you've put me through, there's no way I'll let you live! I won't let anyone stand in the way of my happiness together with lord Koopa!

-Princess: Uhm...but if you fire those guns in here, you'll seriously damage your Koopa collection...

-Mouser: Yikes! You have a point there....

-Princess: Well, you see, there's no reason the shoot us then, so we'll just be going now, okay?

-Mouser: Yes, see ya........Heeey, wait a minute, I'm not falling for that either! If we can't fight here, then I challenge you to a duel to death on the clinic's rooftop!

-Princess: Drat, I was so close!

Cut to a shot of Mouser facing the Princess and the others on the hospital's rooftop. He's still holding the two plasma rifles and grinning madly.

-Mouser: And now, I'll finally blow you to pieces and have lord Koopa all to myself! Wuhahaha!!

-Princess: I see. Well, if you get to pull out the big guns, then so do I! Look at this, Mouser!

The Princess then takes a pair of black boxer shorts with small skulls printed on them out of her pocket and holds them up.

-Princess: This is one of Koopa's slips!

-Mouser: Whoa!!

Mouser's eyes widen and a small drop of blood runs from his left nostril. He drops his guns and staggers forward, in a trance-like haze, his hands outstretched for the undergarment in the Princess' hand.

-Mouser: P...panties...give them....give them to me!!

-Princess: Oh, you want these? Well, catch!

She then throws the pair of shorts from the hospital roof, and they glide all the way down.

-Mouser: Arf! They're mine!

Mouser then jumps off the rooftop to catch the panties and disappears from the screen. A scream and a crash are heard as he falls down all 20 floors of the hospital.

-Princess: Heh heh, easy victory!

-Toad: Princess, that was cool! But, where did you get a pair of Koopa's undies from?

-Princess: Oops! Erm...well, I...uhm...I was saving them...for an emergency....see, I was...uhm, planning to exploit this weakness of Mouser in case he attacked! Yes, that's it! (Whew, I nearly blew it!)

-Mario: Oh, and we can take the plasma rifles that Mouser dropped with us.

-Luigi: We could, but Yoshi has just eaten them.

-Yoshi: Burp! Plasma rifle tastes nice!

-Mario: I'm getting an urge to throw Yoshi off the hospital roof as well....

-Princess: Never mind about that, we still have to find out if Koopa's double-timing me with this Princess Aspirin!

-Everyone: Huh??

-Princess: Uhm, I mean, we have to rescue the poor, defenseless, frightened Princess Aspirin right away! Go, go, this can't wait!

Cut to a shot of Koopa in his nurse uniform, standing in a throne room and looking at a computer monitor on which the scene where the Princess makes Mouser jump off the hospital rooftop replays . Behind him, Princess Aspirin is tied to a post.

-Koopa: Just as I thought, my Princess still loves me! She didn't forget about me, she came all this way just because she's worried about this Princess Aspirin incident! Phew, what a relief!

-Aspirin: Uhm...well, in that case, you don't need to keep me imprisoned anymore, so maybe you could just let me go now?

-Koopa: Oh, that's right, you've outrun your utility, so I guess I could just kill you now....*takes out a gun and points it at Princess Aspirin*

-Aspirin: Aieee!! Oh no, me and my big mouth!

Just then, the door is flung open, and the Princess rushes in, followed by Mario and the others

-Princess: Koopa, what is the meaning of this?! I hope you can explain what this is all about!

-Koopa: Oh, hey babe.

-Princess: Don't "hey babe" me! I want to know exactly what is going on here!

-Koopa: Sure, but first...

Koopa then presses a switch on a nearby computer panel. This causes a trap door underneath Mario, Yoshi, Luigi and Toad to open, and they disappear screaming.

-Koopa: There, now that we're on our own again, I'll explain. You see, you hadn't returned any of my calls lately...I couldn't contact you at all, and I was getting worried that you might have abandoned me, so I staged this whole kidnapping scenario to make you jealous. Sorry if I've been a bit of a jerk......

-Princess: Awww, Koopa, you're so silly! Of course I hadn't forgotten about you, my little bat out of hell. It was just that Yoshi who had eaten my telephone and most of my wiring, so I couldn't get through to you until they got fixed.

-Koopa: So, you're not angry?

-Princess: You know I can't stay angry at you. Besides, this proved how intensely we long for each other.

-Aspirin: Uhm, that's very nice and everything, but can I get out of here now?

-Koopa: Oh, sure.

Koopa then picks up Princess Aspirin and flings her out of a nearby window.

-Princess: Allright, brute strength and gratuitous slapstick violence! My favorites! Koopa, you're the best!

-Koopa: Heh heh, you're not too bad yourself...

-Princess: Aww, my despicable little heap of nasty trash, how absolutely revolting I find you...*flutters eyelids*

-Koopa: *blushes* Oh, wow....

Cut to a shot of Mouser lying flat of his face at the foot of the hospital building. Suddenly, Princess Aspirin falls on top of him. He wakes up, shakes her off and gives her an angry stare

-Mouser: What the...? You! You're that other woman! You're a rival as well, trying to snatch lord Koopa away from me!

-Aspirin: Ergh, who is this guy?

-Mouser: Huwaaaargh, eat this!!

He whips out two UZI's and starts to fire them wildly. Princess Aspirin runs away, shrieking in panic. Mouser then contemplates the tall hospital building for a while.

-Mouser:....By now, that Princess Toadstool must've gotten to lord Koopa and must have her filthy paws all over him....Grrr, just thinking of it drives me mad! I will not allow it to happen! If I can't have lord Koopa, then neither can she!

Mouser then takes a nuclear warhead out of his pocket and looks at it...

-Mouser: Hmmm, I was saving this nuke for a real emergency....and this is a real emergency! This is it, total obliteration!

Mouser then lobs the nuke at the hospital building, which immediately explodes in a huge mushroom cloud. Cut to a shot of Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, Toad and the Princess soaring through the air, projected by the force of the explosion, with looks of surprise and disbelief on their faces. Cut back to a shot of Mouser standing in front of the smoldering remains of the hospital. Suddenly, a lightly burned and severely ruffled-up Koopa comes falling from the sky and crash-lands on the ground next to Mouser. Mouser runs to him, and leaning over him, he blabbers the following monologue:

-Mouser: Oh, lord Koopa! Oh my, you are wounded! How terrible! Who did this to you?! Speak to me, milord, are you allright?! Oh, my poor baby, does it hurt? There, there, don't worry, I'm here. Doctor Mouser will take good care of you, yes, yes. Don't worry, just relax and put yourself in my care...

But while Mouser is monologueing away, he doesn't notice how Koopa's hands are slowly reaching for his throat, until it's too late and Koopa has grabbed hold of Mouser and is violently trying to strangle him.

-Koopa: You....you imbecile! You've ruined everything as usual! You complete and utter moron!

-Mouser: Ah...gasp....oh, you're being so violently passionate all of a sudden!

-Koopa: Shut up!!

Camera pans out while Koopa continues to strangle Mouser, yelling at him in anger and slowly fades out

 

Chapter 4 - Trials of a Passionate Heart

 

"Plumbers log, number 1999. Word had reached us that Koopa had sent out one of his men to find a legendary secret sanctuary, where the key to incredible power was hidden. Just so happens, this secret sanctuary was supposedly hidden in Lousyland, the most deprived region of the entire Mushroom world. Just our luck. But anyway, we did go to investigate, just in case, and we had just picked up what might be a lead to the whereabouts of Koopa's boys".

Fade in to a view of a desert-like region. Mario and his gang are dragging themselves along a battered desert pathway, with burnt-out cigarettes littering the ground.

-Toad: Hey, I think I recognize this place from somewhere....it looks so strangely familiar.

-Luigi: That's because "this place" is really the same set we used for that one episode where Koopa tried to ravage the entire world by injecting lethal doses of heroin into the atmosphere via a badly-drawn satellite.

-Toad: *groan* You know you've hit zero budget when you have to re-use the same set and hope that nobody will notice.

-Yoshi: Well, it's not like anyone watches this show, so we'll probably get away with it.

-Mario: Will you lot keep quiet?! I'm about to have a major breakthrough and say something very thoughtful that will make the plot progress!

-Toad: That'll be a first....

-Luigi: Whatever, if it'll take this painstakingly lame plot somewhere, let's hear it.

-Mario: Well, allright then. Consider the unusually large amount of cigarette butts littering the ground in this area....

-Princess: Maybe they're a side effect from the heroin-satellite incident of a few episodes ago?

-Mario: Shhh, that never happened. Anyway, this unusually large amount of cigarette butts...

-Yoshi: Is that tasty, a cigarette butt?

-Toad: You have a filthy mind, Yoshi.

-Mario: Hey, stop interrupting me! Anyway, the sudden concentration of cigarette litter, the fact that one of Koopa's agents is in this area, and the fact that one of these agents, Fryguy to be precise holds the title of world's biggest nicotine slurper can only mean one thing. The connection between all these events is blatantly obvious. Their connection must be.....it can only be....a complete and utter coincidence!!

Everyone slams face-forward onto the ground upon hearing this.

-Toad: Dohhh, Mario! Promise me that you'll never, ever try to think again!

-Mario: Sure, fine with me. I wasn't planning on thinking on a regular basis anyways.

-Yoshi: But now we're sure that it's Fryguy who is looking for the Saint Sanctuary of Almighty Armageddon (tm)....

-Princess: It just had to be called that, huh?

-Yoshi: Well, in native Lousyland language it's known as the "Arf ou ou ou squeek zip zi ho ha" place, so I think we really are better off with the alternative that our writers came up with.

-Princess: Yeah, I see your point. But if it's just Fryguy we should be able to cope. All we need to do is shout "boo!" at him and he'll have a fatal heart attack. No biggie, right?

-Luigi: That is, unless he gets to the arf ou ou ou place before we do and gains the saint power of almighty destruction and kills us all in one mighty blow.

-Toad: Yeah, and let's always think positive, eh?


-Everyone: Riiiight.....


Fade out and cut to a shot of Fryguy, who is walking along the same desert road all by himself. Several cigarettes are clasped between his trembling lips. Camera slowly zooms in on his nervous face, as he speaks these words to himself:

-Fryguy: I...I'm scared...this place gives me the creeps. It freaks me out, but I musn't give in to my fears...I musn't run away, I musn't run away, I musn't run away! I must face my father and pilot EVA!....Oh, hang on, that's the wrong script, the one with the other sniveling wuss in it. But still, I won't chicken out! Not after what happened last time....

Image goes all blurry and switches to a flashback of a transformed fireball Mario blasting Mouser and Triclyde. They both fall to the ground, screaming, and pass out in an overly dramatic slow-motion sequence.

-Fryguy: N...no! Mouser! Clyde!

-Mario: And now for you, Marlboro-breath! After I've dealt with you, I'll punch Koopa's face in and restore peace to the once-happy region of Marihuanaland which he has so cruelly put under his reign of terror!

-Fryguy: Everything depends on me now....I'm the last line of defense between Mario and Lord Koopa. I may be a nervous wreck and a total wuss, but this time, I'll give it my all!

-Mario: Oh, right, and just what can you do? Cry for help? Beg for mercy?

-Fryguy: Shut up! I'll show you! I can fight, too! Really! Here comes my secret technique of incredible destructiveness! I didn't want to resort to this, but there is no other way now....prepare yourself! Here comes my mega-effective, super-secret, eye-popping...


-Mario: Uh oh.....

-Fryguy:...and simply marvelous....run away move! Run awaaaayyyy!!

He then turns around and legs it at full speed while a huge sweatdrop rolls down Mario's head. The image then fades out again, and Fryguy's voice is heard as the screen goes dark:

-Fryguy: Because I backed off, Mario was able to defeat Lord Koopa once again, and all our plans were foiled...all because of my ineptitude....

The flashback then continues as the image fades in to a shot of the bar, where Mouser and Triclyde are giving Fryguy scornful looks.

-Triclyde: Smoke-boy really made a mess of it this time.

-Fryguy: But...but Clyde...

-Mouser: Shut it, you! Because of your patheticness, Mario defeated us again, our plans went down the drain, and my poor honey Koopa was hurt! I won't forgive you for that! Oh, when I think of how my dearly beloved Lord Koopa must suffer...You see, he may appear tough, rugged and drool-tastically masculine (and he is!), but he is also very fragile and sensitive...All he wants, in the end, is some simple kindness...*sigh*.

-Triclyde: You're getting off the subject, there...


-Mouser: Aahh, my Lord Koopa, how I long to be cuddled in his big, strong arms!

-Triclyde: Waaaayy off the subject. Oh, forget it, he's no longer listening....As for you, Frygirly, you're an utter disgrace.

-Fryguy: Clyde...but I...*sniff*...I couldn't help it...*sob*

-Triclyde: I don't want to hear it! You're of no use whatsoever!

-Mouser: And to think that such a pansy calls himself an elite Koopa servant! Him, serving someone as irresistibly manly as my Lord Koopa! Fryguy, you're an absolute transvestite!

-Triclyde: Mouser, don't you mean "an absolute travesty"?

-Mouser: Oh, what's the difference?

-Triclyde: Being a transvestite is what Lord Koopa does on a regular basis. The word you're looking for is definitely "travesty".

-Mouser: Well, it doesn't matter! What it comes down to is that he sucks! He's worthless!

The flashback ends, and the image fades back to a close-up of Fryguy's face, still trekking through the desert.

-Fryguy: That's why...that's why I've gone to Lousyland. If I find this saint sanctuary, I might gain the strength I need to be a brave Koopa soldier! Yes, I'll return with the secret power of the sanctuary, and then I'll be a full-fledged servant of the valourous Koopa army! No-one will be calling me a transvestite anymore....or a travesty for that matter. I'll show them what I'm really made of!

The camera then zooms out and reveals that Fryguy hasn't been paying attention to where he was going while he was having his big monologue, and has absent-mindedly walked right into a pool of quicksand and is slowly sinking down into it. He suddenly snaps out of his contemplative mood and notices his blunder, which causes him to make the following remark:

-Fryguy: Oh no! What have I done?!

Cut to a shot of Mario and his crew, who're taking a short break from their long desert-trekking. Suddenly, a loud vocie is heard:

-Voice: Kyaaaahh!!

-Princess: Oi, did someone just scream?

-Mario: Probably someone who lost a contact lens.


-Yoshi: Or someone who's being harassed by a peeping Tom.


-Luigi: It's probably someone who's trying to commit suicide.

-Toad: Either way, why should we care?


-Princess: Right.

-Voice: Aaaargh! Eeeeeek! Whoaaaaa! Yikes!!

-Mario: Whoever that is, he's getting on my nerves, screaming like that. I'm going over there to tell him to keep the bloody noise down.

-Toad: Yes, good idea!

They all head over to where the hysterical screams are coming from. However, once they get there, all they see is a pool of quicksand, with some small bubbles coming out of it.

-Luigi: Oh no, we're too late. Whoever it was who was desperately screaming for help, while drowning in the quicksand all alone, he's dead now. It is tragic....

-Mario: Well, at least he won't bother us with his screaming anymore.

Suddenly, Fryguy's head pops out of the quicksand puddle

-Fryguy: Bwarf! Hey, I'm not dead yet!

-Princess: Oh, it was only Fryguy.

-Fryguy: Thank heavens you heard me! Quick, save me from this quicksand before I sink back into it!

-Yoshi: Do you think quicksand is tasty?

-Mario: Dunno. But I hope this Fryguy won't begin to scream again, or else I'll never be able to catch a nap.

-Fryguy: You idiots, don't just stand there, get me out of here!

-Toad: Not if you don't say please.

-Fryguy: Get bent, you moron! This is no time for manners, save me from drowning in the quicksand again, you bunch of freaks!

-Toad: No. You've hurt our feelings, now we won't do it.

-Fryguy: Oh, give me a break, I don't believe this! Eeek! I don't want to drown! Nooooo!

Fryguy begins to sink back into the sand slowly, screaming like a maniac, while the Mario crew all chant "nya, nya, nya-nya nyaaa" at him. He continues to sink and scream, but suddenly, five small, luminous objects shoot out from the quicksand around Fryguy. The camera focuses in on these objects, and reveals them to be burning cigarettes, hovering in mid-air above Fryguy.

-Princess: Hey, what are those?

-Fryguy: Oh! It's the guys!

-Everyone: "The guys??"

-Fryguy: Lucille, Marie-Antoinette and Oscar! My cigarettes, you're here!

-Mario: Give me a break. He actually gives names to his cigarettes?!

-Fryguy: Oh, Michiru and Haruka are there as well! Yeah, my cigarettes will save me!

-Toad: Ad he names them Michiru and Haruka of all things...


The cigarettes begin to hover around Fryguy in a circular pattern and slowly draw out a luminous pentagram. Fryguy then miraculously begins to levitate out of the quicksand pit, and he is carried to safe grounds. The cigarettes then fall neatly into his hands.

-Fryguy: You guys...you've saved me! Thank you so much!

-Luigi: Those brave cigarettes saved their master's life...it's so touching...

-Princess: I say it's twisted to the max.

Suddenly, another loud scream is heard, and a Lousyland native pops up. He then rushes over to Fryguy and kneels down in front of him, speaking these words:

-Native: Honourable stranger, you who posses such amazing powers, we welcome you, and rejoice at your long-awaited arrival.

-Fryguy: Oh, well gee, thanks...

-Native: This is a good tiding for the people of Lousyland, for with such god-like abilities, you must be the chosen one, the legendary hero who will conquer the saint sanctuary. Come, noble stranger, I must take you to the secret sanctuary, so that you can fulfill your destiny!

-Fryguy: Uhm...well, I don't really understand, but if you could take me to that sanctuary place, I'd appreciate it.

-Native: Count on it, honourable visitor! Taxi!

A taxi arrives sito presto, and opens it's doors. Fryguy is flung into the taxi, and the native hops in next to him. The taxi then drives away at full blast, leaving Mario and his gang behind.

-Toad: Hey, what about us?!

-Princess: This is bad...Fryguy will be taken directly to the sanctuary now.

-Luigi: That means we're all doomed. Rather than suffering the humiliation of getting killed by someone as wimpy as Fryguy, we had better slash our wrists quickly...

-Mario: Oh, go slash your own wrists. I for one am not giving up yet. Yoshi! It's time! I'll ride on you and chase that taxi! Let's go!!

A silence then follows. Mario slowly turns around and notices that Yoshi is sitting in the quicksand, sinking away, with a huge grin on his face.

-Yoshi: Weee! This quicksand is fun! Yoshi like!

-Mario: You absolute idiot! Get out of there, quickly!

-Yoshi: Oh, okay...oh wait, I can't. I'm stuck. Eeeek, I'm drowning! Help! Heeeelp!!

-Princess: *sigh* Here we go again....

Cut to a shot of Fryguy and the Lousyland native inside the taxi. Fryguy takes a deep breath and pronounces the following phrase:

-Fryguy: Phew, that quicksand pit sure was scary. A quick cigarette will calm me down...

He then takes out a nicotine-stick, puts it between his lips and lights it. This seems to take the native by surprise, who comments on this action with these words:

-Native: Oooh, why that is...it's....

-Fryguy: That's a cigarette. Don't tell me you didn't know.

-Native: "Cigarette"...so, it is by that name that such an object goes. I have no more doubts now. Honourable stranger, I am certain that you are the one! Please, I humbly ask of you to go to the sanctuary with me!

-Fryguy: Sure, that's why I came here in the first place...

-Native: I am most grateful. Every year, we are flooded by annoying tourists who want to see the sacred sanctuary, but somehow, when they get there, they are disappointed. Everyone says that our sanctuary is really a capital rip-off, this bad reputation is severely damaging our tourism-heavy industry....

-Fryguy: Well, I'm sorry to hear that, but what does it have to do with me?

-Native: I'm certain that you have the qualities to see the truth behind the sanctuary! You will no doubt be able to understand it's secrets, and you will be able to prove to the world that the sanctuary of Lousyland is not a rip-off!

-Fryguy: But, I heard that the key to some huge and mysterious power is hidden there...

-Native: That is true. A sacred object of incredible destructiveness is located there. But still, all the tourists who have visited the sanctuary were unimpressed. They laughed in our faces, and called the saint object a pathetic piece of junk. But I am sure that you are different! We have arrived, noble visitor. Now, you will be able to see for yourself...

The taxi had pulled up next to a temple-like building. Fryguy and the native get out, and enter the structure.

-Fryguy: So...this is the place...it's spooky...

-Native: Honourable stranger, please come this way.

The native then leads Fryguy into a room, where they find a large altar. And on top of this altar, a large, long and thin cigarrette with a winged handle made of pink plastic appears.

-Fryguy: Oooh, why that is....

-Native: Yes, this is the key to unmatched strength, the secret treasure of our sanctuary, the Kaleido Moon Smoke!

-Fryguy: The Kaleido Moon Smoke...Wow! It's awesome!

-Native: Just as I expected, you are the one who has realized it's true beauty. All the others that came here before you did ran off shouting "what a rip-off!", as soon as they caught sight of the Kaleido Moon Smoke, but you are different...

-Fryguy: *grins* Yeah, I get that a lot.

-Native: Now, honourable stranger, the time has come. Take the Kaleido Moon Smoke...

-Fryguy: Huh? You mean it, I can just take it, no charge?

-Native: Of course, you are the legendary chosen one, it is your destiny to wield the incredibly powerful Kaleido Moon Smoke!

-Fryguy: Well, okay, if you say so....

As Fryguy reaches for the Kaleido Moon Smoke, the screen fades out and cuts to a shot of Mario and the others running through the desert.

-Mario: Huff....pant...keep going, we can follow the taxi's tire marks to this sanctuary place!

-Princess: This sucks! It's ruining my shoes, and they're genuine Gaultier brand! Mario, you'll pay for this!


-Yoshi: But we must hurry! I can already see the sanctuary! Let's make a run for it before Fryguy triggers off the apocalypse or something!

-Princess: *muttering under her breath* This is why I prefer to be with Koopa instead of Mario. At least he knows how to treat a lady properly. He wouldn't put me through such nonsense, and besides, he has such sexy big biceps!

-Toad: Your highness, are you mumbling to yourself again?

-Luigi: How tragic...so young, and she's already growing senile....

-Princess: Oh, shut up, you idiots!

-Mario: Here it is, we've arrived at the sanctuary!

Camera zooms out to reveal that they are now standing in front of the sanctuary. Suddenly, a loud laugh is heard, a nervous, rapid laugh, bordering on a hysterical giggle, and Fryguy appears in the sanctuary's doorway, holding the Kaleido Moon Smoke.

-Toad: Oh, it's him again?

-Princess: Yes, and it looks like he has finally lost it completely.

-Fryguy: On the contrary, I've found it! The Kaleido Moon Smoke, an ancient weapon of immense power! Behold!

Fryguy proudly brandishes the oversized cigarette above his head and laughs out loud.

-Mario: Oooh, we're so scared.

-Toad: That's it? It looks like a piece of Sailor Moon merchandise gone ugly...

-Yoshi: I think it looks kinda tasty.

-Fryguy: Oh, I bet you think you're really smart. Well, not for long! I will now proceed in typical charismatic super-villain fashion by letting my minions loose upon you instead of doing some fighting of my own. Wuhahahaha!!

-Princess: "Charismatic super-villain", eh? I think this whole affair has gotten to his head...

Fryguy then takes out three cigarettes and addresses these words to them:


-Fryguy: Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, I'm counting on you! Wipe out those Mario morons, and quickly! Go!!

He then makes a dramatic "forward!" gesture, and just stands there for a few short moments while nothing whatsoever happens. The three cigarettes are lying on the ground next to him.

-Fryguy: Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, I said go! Come on, what's the matter with you guys! Why aren't you attacking Mario and his gang of freaks?!

-Toad: This is just a suggestion but...they're cigarettes, remember?

-Fryguy: I know that! Nobody asked you!

-Princess: And you didn't stop to think that cigarettes are just inanimate objects? They're just heaps of tobacco wrapped in paper. They won't move a muscle no matter how much you shout, such a thing is simply impossible.

-Fryguy: No way! I refuse to believe this! Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, I command you to obey me! Protect your master like you did when I was about to drown in the quicksand! Come on, what are you waiting for?!

-Mario: On a side note, even if your cigarettes were able to attack us, do you really think a bunch of cigarettes would be able to kill us?

-Fryguy: This can't be happening! I own the Kaleido Moon Smoke, I am the master of cigarettes! Damn it, why isn't it working?! This Kaleido Moon Smoke was supposed to give me the ability to control every cigarette on the globe, but it's just a piece of junk!

-Toad: Face it, Fryguy, you've failed miserably.

-Fryguy: What a rip-off! That native bloke told me that I was the one! I'm supposed to be the one who can unleash the power to control all the cigarettes!

-Native: Well, I can make mistakes too. Nobody's perfect. Looks like you're not the chosen one after all, noble stranger.

-Fryguy: Now you tell me?! Erigohl, Astaroth, Mephisto, punish this idiotic person for ripping me off, now!!

Once again, nothing happens......

-Fryguy: Oh, that's right, I forgot, it doesn't work.

-Native: Oh well, don't take it so badly. The ability to control cigarettes is an absolutely useless special talent as it is.

-Fryguy: That's not it, I came all this way to become brave and strong! I wanted to find true strength, but it just turned out to be an absolute flop! I wanted to make Mario pay for what he did to me....

-Mario: But instead it looks like we are going to beat you up. Heh heh heh....

-Fryguy: What?! Gulp...no....no, please don't!

-Mario: Fat chance, I'm far too much of a heartless sadist to let you go unharmed.

-Fryguy: Eeeek! No, I'm scared! Mommyyy! Oi, native boke, call me a taxi, quickly!

-Native: No can do. If you're not the chosen one, then I have no reason to suck up to you and be all humble. In other words; get stuffed.

-Fryguy: Shriek! Oh my god, I'm so scaaaared!

-Mario: Your luck has run out, Fryguy, and my fun is just about to begin. Mu wa ha ha haaa!

-Fryguy: That's what you think, Mario, but I still have one last trump card up my sleeve! My run away move! Run awaaaay!!

Before anyone can react, Fryguy has darted off at blinding speed.

-Native: Hey, wait a minute, he took the Kaleido Moon Smoke with him! I got ripped off

-Luigi: Oh well, that Kaleido whatever thingy was absolutely useless in the first place, so what does it matter?

-Native: Yes, I suppose you're right...

Screen fades out and cuts to a scene, a few days later. Fryguy is sitting at the Koopa Kafé bar with a single cigarette in front of him. Mouser and Triclyde are standing behind him.

-Fryguy: I'll show you, guys! This is the amazing thing that I learned on my long and perilous journey! I have some kind of ESP that allows me to manipulate cigarettes! Look!

-Triclyde: Right, like we believe that...

-Mouser: I'd say he's been smoking something else besides tobacco to come up with nonsense like that.

-Fryguy: It's true, honestly! When I was about to drown in a sandpit, Lucille and the other guys saved me! That was the first manifestation of my power! Now behold, and prepare to be amazed by my awesome supernatural abilities!

He then makes a few overly dramatic gestures and motions as if he's focusing his energy on the cigarette in front of him.

-Fryguy: Go on, Hisuwashi, my boy, move! You can do it, Hisuwashi! Move, Hisuwashi, your master commands it! Argh, Hisuwashi, you bastard, why won't you move?!

While Fryguy loses his temper and begins to yell at the still motionless cigarette in exasperated fury, Mouser and Triclyde exchange the following remarks:

-Mouser: Same old Fryguy, eh?

-Triclyde: Yup, same old useless freaky Fryguy....

-Fryguy: Damn it, this is such a rip-off! Why won't it moooove?!

Screen fades out while Fryguy continues to yell his head of...

 

Chapter 5 - Lucky, Lucky Mouser

 

"Plumber's log, number 0800-811-81-81. The kingdom of Horse Puke. Koopa had ripped off the princess again, but after being completely obnoxious and hogging all the screen time, I had once again managed to rescue her, and we were as of now heading back home. God is in his heaven and all is right with the world."

 

Fade in to a shot of Mario and co, walking along a road, with a ruined Koopa castle in the background.

 

-Mario: *cheerfully* There, it's over, you're free now, princess!

 

-Princess: Hrrrmph....

 

-Toad: It's odd, but she doesn't seem to be too happy to be free.

 

-Mario: Well, I expect she's still in shock from the terrible fear she had to endure while in captivity. She's very fragile, after all.

 

-Princess: *thinking* I'll show you fragile, tubby! Geez, what a rip-off! I was supposed to go on a romantic cruise with Koopa, but this jerk ruined everything again! Damn, I was looking forward to having fun with the torpedo launchers on Koopa's yacht! Things can't go on like this!

 

Screen fades out and cuts to a shot of the princess' castle, in the evening. In her room, the princess is having a long telephone conversation with Koopa.

 

-Princess: *on the phone* What I'm saying is that I can't take it anymore! It's always the same, whenever we're together we are interrupted, and everything goes down the drain. I fear that the strain this places on us may be very bad for our relationship in the long run!

 

-Koopa: I know it, but what can I do? Do you really want to break up because of this? What about all the good times we have together?

 

-Princess: No, no, I never said I wanted to break up! Honeycakes, I don't blame you for anything. No, Mario's the problem. We've got to do something about him!

 

-Koopa: You're quite right. Allright then, what should we do? Drop a hydrogen bomb on him? Send 2500 volts of pure electricity through him? Rip off his bus pass?

 

-Princess: Koopa, honey, we've tried all of those, and they all ended in catastrophe. Brute violence may be lots of fun, but I think it has had it's day. It's time to switch to a different strategy.

 

-Koopa: And what does this translate into?

 

-Princess: Well, I think it's about time we got married. I've got it all planned out; we stage another kidnapping, then, you "force" me to marry you. Make some dumb threat about nuking all the naughty nightclubs in the Mushroom kingdom if I refuse. That way, we can quickly get married without losing face, and if Mario still tries to come between us, we sue him and he gets chucked into prison. It's brilliant, isn't it?! I'm sure it'll work like a dream!

 

-Koopa: Wow, you learn quickly....

 

-Princess: So, what do you say?

 

-Koopa: Well...uhm....

 

-Princess: Don't tell me you're backing off! Hmph, men! You're all the same, always concerned about your big freedom, never wanting to settle down!

 

-Koopa: No, no, it's nothing like that! Seriously, it's a good plan. It was about time we got married as it is.

 

-Princess: That's true. A secret affair is so straining, I've been wanting to change that for a long while.

 

-Koopa: So then, it's official, we're going to tie the knot....

 

-Princess: Isn't it wonderful? We'll be united forever!

 

-Koopa: Wow, forever....

 

-Princess: Koopa, I'm so happy that this is settled! *sweet voice* Ahh, my pile of rancid horse vomit, you fill me with such intense disgust. I curse your sorry bones to everlasting hell, my complete and utter swine.

 

-Koopa: Ooh yeah, dirty talk, Mmmh, feels so good....

 

Fade out and cut to a shot inside the Koopa Kafé bar, a few days later. Mouser pops up on the screen and begins to scream in rage.

 

-Mouser: Noooo! They can't!! I will not allow them to marry! Never!! That tramp Toadstool, I'm going to rip her to pieces! I will not let her get away with this! Roarrr!!

 

He then brings his fist crashing down onto the table, which promptly shatters. He picks up a piece of the destroyed table and flings it through the room. He then proceeds to punch in several walls, tables and other parts of the bar.

 

-Mouser: Arrrrgh! Snarf!

 

Camera zooms in on his face, which displays a look of furious anger. Tears of rage are streaming from his embittered eyes as he continues to destroy the entire room with his bare hands.

 

-Mouser:*panting* I won't....admit....my defeat...to that...damned....piece of trash!! Never! Neveeeerrrr!!!

 

He then falls to his knees and slams his two fists onto the ground before him, causing a huge impact crater to appear around him. A close-up of his clenched fists is shown; drops of blood begin to trickle between his fingers. His face is still a showcase of bitter fury, and between clenched teeth, he mutters these words:

 

-Mouser: I will never give up my one true love!

 

Slowly, his head sinks to the ground as well, and he bursts out in loud, desperate weeping. While Mouser cries his heart out, the camera zooms out and Triclyde and Fryguy can be seen, standing in a corner of the ravaged bar. Fryguy is lying on the ground with swirly eyes.

 

-Fryguy: Awahwaahhhh.....Mommmyyyy....I'm so scared....

 

-Triclyde: Snap out of it, you. He seems to have calmed down now.

 

-Fryguy: Huh? Oh, Clyde, are we still alive? *big sigh* Oh man, I thought Mouser would kill us! I've never seen him in such a state!

 

-Triclyde: Yeah, he's taking this matter very badly indeed.....

 

For a while they stare at Mouser, who is still crying in despair amidst the ruins of the bar. Close-up of Fryguy's face, who's lips begin to tremble, and who's eyes begin to fill with tears as well.

 

-Fryguy: Oh noooo, poor Mouser! Now that is really tragiiic! It's terrible! Booohooohoo!

 

-Triclyde: Wha...? Fryguy, don't tell me you're falling for that.

 

-Fryguy: Oh, come on, Clyde, how can you not feel sorry for him? It's obvious that he's in terrible pain!

 

-Triclyde: Just a minute ago, you were screaming that he scared you to death.

 

-Fryguy: But still, you know just as well as I do that he really does love Lord Koopa. This must be very difficult for him....

 

-Triclyde: I don't really care about that. But on the other hand, if this wedding between Lord Koopa and princess Toadstool actually happens, lord knows what Mouser could be capable of.

 

-Fryguy: Gulp...you don't think...??

 

-Triclyde: Yes, I do. If his latest outburst is anything to go by, his rage will be absolutely unstoppable if he's pushed any further. In fact, I fear that he might even destroy the world!

 

-Fryguy: No way, that's scary! Oh man, I really need a cigarette now!

 

-Triclyde: And I need to think of something. We've got to do something, otherwise this situation will end in absolute disaster. I'd say it's impossible to reason with Mouser, so instead, we'll have to stop this wedding.

 

-Fryguy: What? Stop Lord Koopa's wedding?? Are you sure about this?

 

-Triclyde: I admit that it'd be like betraying our master, but I don't want to take any chances. If Mouser has another freak attack, we'll be heading straight for a full-scale apocalypse. So, in order to save our hides, and those of everyone else, we need to put a halt to this wedding.

 

-Fryguy: Well, I guess you're right....but can we stop the process before Mouser's mood shifts to "psycho" again?

 

-Triclyde: I rather doubt it. Instead, we should involve Mouser in our plan, in order to keep him calm.

 

-Fryguy: But we don't even have a plan yet!

 

-Triclyde: Not yet, but I think I'm on to something right now.....

 

Close-up of Triclyde's face, on which a smirky grin is appearing. Screen fades out and cuts to the next scene, at midnight. A white limousine slowly and silently parks itself outside of princess Toadstool's castle. Without anyone noticing, the princess sneaks out of the castle and gets into the back seat of the limo. Cut to a shot inside the limo. Koopa and the princess are sitting next to each other, with Triclyde in the driver's seat. Clyde starts the motor, and they begin to drive down the road to Koopa's castle.

 

-Princess: Cool, so this is the car you violently ripped off from a defenseless old lady?

 

-Koopa: Yup, the very same.

 

-Princess: Ooh, I find the concept of crime and gratuitous violence just sooo exciting. And this thing is just perfect for a wedding, don't you think? I can just picture a "just married" sign plastered all over this baby!

 

-Koopa: Uhm...yes, that as well......

 

-Princess: Koopa, you look so nervous. Is something bothering you?

 

-Koopa: Well, we already tried to do such a scenario once, do you remember?

 

-Princess: Oh yeah, that episode was called "Do you, princess, take this Koopa?"

 

-Koopa: Yes, and you didn't.

 

-Princess: Only because of Mario and his bunch of dorks! We were -this- close to getting away with it, in front of the camera without losing face or revealing our secret affair to everyone, our whole scheme was working like a dream, and then what happens? Fatso crashes the party and ruins the whole thing. And it went on like that for over 50 more painstaking episodes. I'm glad to know that those times will soon be over. Once we pull off this plan, we'll be able to enjoy our carefree youth, happily together.

 

-Koopa: Uh, yes, that's right. Our carefree youth....

 

-Triclyde: Or rather what you can remember of it. You're aged 34, lord Koopa, and it shows.

 

-Princess: Aw, shaddup! I like a more mature and experienced man!

 

-Triclyde: Well, he's not that much more mature than you, princess Toadstool, considering that you are now at the not-so tender age of...

 

-Princess: One more word and you die!! Koopa, once we're married, the first thing we should do is throw that idiot with the three heads out!

 

-Koopa: Ah...uhm...sure, whatever you say, hon.

 

-Triclyde: *thinking to himself* Oh Christ, this is not good. Not only will Mouser destroy the world if this wedding goes on, but I'll also lose my job! But, there's no need to panic. My genial strategy to prevent this wedding will certainly succeed. I've worked everything out, it will go perfectly smoothly, I'm sure of it. Heh...that's the last time that annoying princess will speak to me like that.

 

Que more sly grinning from Triclyde as the screen fades out. Cut to a shot of Koopa's limo parking itself outside of Koopa's castle. They're greeted by Fryguy, who kneels down before them, speaking these words:

 

-Fryguy: Your highness, our soon-to-be queen, princess Toadstool, I bid you fair welcome. Please follow me to your quarters, where you will be able to prepare for the wedding.

 

-Princess: Oh, that's right, I've got to get dressed, perfumed, have my hair done, get a manicure, do my make-up and accessories very thoroughly! But I won't be long. In just a few hours, I'll be all set for our big day, honey.

 

-Koopa: Uhm, yes....great. Do you really need several hours?

 

-Princess: Of course I do! I need to look absolutely perfect. Remeber, not everyone has your rare gift to look absolutely natural and at ease in any kind of clothing.

 

-Koopa: Heh, well, that's true.

 

-Triclyde: Besides, your highness, it's 7 o'clock in the mornings. No-one gets married at that time. Plus, you need to prepare for the wedding as well, right?

 

-Koopa: Oooh, yes, yes! I have just the perfect outfit! I've been dying to try it on! What are we waiting for, let's go, go, go!

 

Koopa and the princess are then led away by Triclyde and Fryguy respectively. The screen then cuts to a shot of Triclyde standing outside of Koopa's wardrobe. He checks his wrist watch a few times, with an annoyed expression on his face. He then proceeds to knocking on the wardrobe's door a few times, accompanying this action with these words:

 

-Triclyde: Lord Koopa, how long is it going to take?!

 

-Koopa: Hey, don't rush me!

 

Koopa then pops out of his wardrobe, wearing a long, white wedding dress, decorated with pale pink ribbons and flowers.

 

-Koopa: There, all set. Isn't this absolutely daaarling?

 

-Triclyde: Dohhh! Your highness, that's a wedding dress!

 

-Koopa: Well du-uh! It's my wedding after all.

 

-Triclyde: No, no, you've got it all wrong! It's the bride who wears a dress, you're the groom!

 

-Koopa: Oh, drat, I knew I went wrong somewhere....

 

-Triclyde: *sweatdrop* You can say -that- again....

 

-Koopa: Allright, give me just a second, I'll change into something else.

 

He then hops back into his wardrobe and comes out again wearing a Sailor Soldier costume.

 

-Koopa: Ta-daaah! Sailor Koopa, here I stand! In name of dodgy nightclubs the world over, I'll punish you!

 

-Triclyde: Nooo, wrong, wrong, wrong! One certainly does -not- wear a short skirt with big ribbons to a wedding! Especially not the groom!

 

-Koopa: Awww...but this brings out the delicate line of my thighs so well....

 

-Triclyde: That's beside the point! It's not fitting for the occasion! Change into something else!

 

-Koopa: Oh, very well, then....

 

This scene continues for a while, as Koopa dons a pink tutu, a black leather dominatrix outfit, a schoolgirl's uniform and a Link costume, only to be told by Triclyde that it's no good. At each warped outfit, Triclyde grows increasingly more enraged, and when Koopa pops up dressed as a geisha, something snaps in Triclyde, and he completely loses it.

 

-Triclyde: Aaaargh, I've had it up to here! This is nuts! Absolutely, completely nuts!

 

-Koopa: Hey, I know that blue isn't exactly my color, but it's not that horrible, really?

 

-Triclyde: No, that's not what I meant. Milord...*deep breath* the groom is -not- supposed to dress like that.

 

-Koopa: Don't you start telling me how to dress!

 

-Triclyde: A-herm...milord, I don't want to question your excellent dress sense, it's just that tradition demands that, at a wedding, the groom wears a tuxedo.

 

Koopa lets this hard fact sink in for a while.

 

-Koopa:....Oh...I see....so, does that mean...no skirts?

 

-Triclyde: 'fraid not.

 

-Koopa: No lace and frilly bits?

 

-Triclyde: Out of the question.

 

-Koopa: No leather and high-tops?

 

-Triclyde: Most certainly not.

 

-Koopa: No...no ribbons? No earrings? No spandex? No suspenders? No nothing?

 

-Triclyde: That's the way it is.

 

-Koopa: No way!!

 

-Triclyde: Milord, please, pull yourself together. It'll only be for a few hours.

 

-Koopa: *sigh* The things I don't do for my girlfriend....

 

Koopa then slowly drags himself back into his wardrobe and shuts the door behind him. Triclyde is left to ponder these thoughts.

 

-Triclyde: Well, so far it's all going according to plan...I just hope Fryguy hasn't messed up.

 

Cut to a shot of a prison cel, in Koopa's catacombs. The door swings open and princess Toadstool is violently flung into it by two Hammer Brothers. The door is then slammed shut behind her. Disgruntled at this turn of events, she pronounces the following phrase:

 

-Princess: Oi, what's this all about?! This is supposed to be a wedding, not a funky dungeon party! You, the tobacco-maniac! What's the meaning of this?!

 

Outside of the prison cel, Fryguy is standing with the two Hammer Brothers. He replies to the princess' angered interrogation with these words:

 

-Fryguy: Don't shout like that, it's scary! There's been a change of plans, just stay put and wait here. You two Hammer Bros, guard her prison with extreme caution, is that understood?!

 

The Hammer Brothers nod in unition at this. Fryguy then continues the conversation with these words:

 

-Fryguy: Good, then phase one of Clyde's plan is about wrapped up. Phew, it sure was scary. A quick cigarette will make me feel better.

 

He puts a cigarette between his lips, but just when he's about to light it, a high-pitched beeping noise emanates from his wrist watch. This sudden interruption causes Fryguy to panic, and he drops his lighter with a nervous shriek. He then calms down and looks at his beeping watch.

 

-Fryguy: Oh, it must be a message from Clyde.

 

He presses a button on the wrist watch, and Triclyde's face appears on the watch's LCD display screen, speaking these words:

 

-Triclyde: Well? Is everything running smoothly?

 

-Fryguy: Yes, just peachy. The princess has been dumped into a dungeon and is heavily guarded. She won't get in our way anymore.

 

-Triclyde: Good. Lord Koopa is almost ready. You know what to do, proceed with phase two of the plan.

 

-Fryguy: Okay.....but Clyde, are you really, completely sure about this?

 

-Triclyde: Positive. I have no doubt that this is the best course of action for us to take.

 

-Fryguy: I suppose so....it still scares me a lot, though.

 

-Triclyde: Never mind, just get on with your duties.

 

Screen cuts to a shot of Mario, Luigi, Toad and Yoshi running along the road to Koopa's castle. Mario is looking very distressed.

 

-Mario: It's a cataclysm! A tragedy! An apocalypse!

 

-Toad: It's deep do-do!

 

-Mario: Yes...*sweatdrop* that as well. But, anyway, I won't allow Koopa to force the princess into this wedding! He won't get away with it!

 

-Luigi: But Mario, the message he sent us clearly stated that if we undertake any kind of action, he'll order is men to burn down all the sexy nightclubs in the Mushroom Kingdom.

 

-Mario: Who cares about sexy nightclubs??!

 

-Luigi, Toad & Yoshi: We do.

 

-Mario: But still, the princess' chastity is at stake!

 

-Yoshi: What's a chastity? It sounds tasty.

 

-Toad: Eewww, you really are obsessed, Yoshi.

 

-Mario: Right, forget it, if you prefer to hang out at risqué nightclubs rather than do your duty as saviors of an extremely kidnapping-prone bimbo princess, then go ahead, push off. I don't need a bunch of irresponsible perverts to get in my way!

 

-Toad: Okay, bye.

 

-Mario: Huh??

 

-Toad: If you really want us to push off, we will.

 

-Luigi: Besides, you always hog 97, 68% percent of the screen time as it is, so whether we join you or not makes hardly any difference, really. We have no value, if we die, nobody would notice or even remotely care, so why should we bother?

 

-Yoshi: I feel like going for a lunch break.

 

-Toad: Right, let's go then. Have fun over at Koopa's place, Mario, we'll catch you later.

 

Toad, Yoshi ad Luigi walk off into the distance. Mario gives them a look of disgust and disbelief while the sound of cawing crows is heard in the background.

 

-Mario: Those....bastards. Well, I should've seen it coming, I suppose. Oh well, I'm up against Koopa on my own now. Makes no difference, those idiots only get about 2, 32% of the screen time as it is. Who needs them anyway?....I think I should say something like "I'll knock Koopa for a loopa" now, but the pun police would kill me if I did. It's illegal to use the same witticism more than 250 times on TV. Oh well, I'll just go to Koopa's place and mush him up really badly instead.

 

Fade out and cut to a shot of a chapel inside Koopa's castle. The place is covered with flowers and other wedding decorations. A whole bunch of Koopa minions are seated in long rows of benches. Koopa is standing at the end of the aisle, in a fluorescent pink tuxedo. He's looking very nervous and conveys the following remarks to Triclyde, who's standing next to him.

 

-Koopa: This feels so awkward.....

 

-Triclyde: Nonsense, milord, you look just fine in that tux.

 

-Koopa: No, that's not what I meant. I think I'm wearing a too narrow slip. Now -that's- awkward. And what about the wedding cake?

 

-Triclyde: Well, the chef had three collapses, but in the end, he did get the mixture of marzipan and LSD right, I think.

 

-Koopa: Perfect. Now, what's keeping the bride so long?

 

Just then, majustous organ music starts to play as the bride enters the chapel, with Fryguy as the bridesmaid behind her. Due to a thick veil, it's impossible to see the brides' face, while she slowly walks up the aisle. Once the bride has reached Koopa, her face is still invisible, even up close. They both turn to face a Shy-guy vicar who pronounces the following words:

 

-Shy-guy vicar: Right, so you two folks wanna get hitched? Well, that's just peachy with me. You'll have to fill out a form, though.

 

-Koopa: Eh? A form??

 

-Triclyde: It's a modern kind of wedding ceremony, milord. Please just play along.

 

-Koopa: Allright then.....

 

The vicar hands him a form. Koopa looks through it.

 

-Koopa: Let's see...."Have you ever abused of any intoxicating materials?" You bet. Now, "Do you suffer from a particular kind of allergy?". Hang on, this looks more like an entry form for a hospital.

 

-Triclyde: Better yet, it -is- an entry form for a hospital.

 

-Shy-guy vicar: They don't make 'em like they used to.....

 

-Koopa: Who cares?! Just get us married, and quickly! My nerves are killing me, so quit stalling already or I'll have you guillotined!

 

-Shy-guy vicar: Gosh, newlyweds are so touchy. Well, if you wanna tie the knot that badly, I guess we can skip the formalities. Just snog yer bride and I'll pronounce you hubbie and wife, okies?

 

-Koopa: About time. Let's get this over with once and for all.

 

In a nervous impulse, Koopa then closes his eyes, rips the bridal veil from the bride's face and forcefully presses his lips against those of the bride. Once he lets go again, the bride faints and sinks to the ground, the huge veil covering up her face again.

 

-Koopa: Oops, looks like I went at it a bit too roughly.

 

-Shy-guy vicar: You youngsters are just too impulsive. Now, just exchange rings and you'll be 100% wed.

 

But suddenly, an angered voice interrupts the ceremony in these terms:

 

-Mario: Not on yer life!!

 

-Koopa: What the....Mario??

 

-Mario: The same! I've come to stop this absolute travesty!

 

 

Indeed, Mario had appeared in the chapel's doorway. Pointing a fire flower to the sky, he then uttered the following phrase:

 

-Mario: By the power of cheap animation techniques! Make Up!

 

And the power of cheap animation techniques then transformed him into his fireball costume.

 

-Mario: Time to fry, Koopa.

 

-Triclyde: *to himself* There it is, just as I planned. I expected Mario to attack during the wedding. He'll "rescue" the substitute bride we've provided, thinking that it's the princess. The real princess, meanwhile, will be left to die in the dungeon, and we'll never hear of her again. It's genial, if I do say so myself.

 

-Mario: Your perversities have gone far enough, Koopa! You're finished!

 

-Koopa: Hold it right there! One more move and I will order my men to violently burn down all the sexy nightclubs in the Mushroom Kingdom!

 

-Mario: Hmmmm....

 

Screen cuts to a rapid shot of Toad, Luigi and Yoshi sitting around in a dodgy-looking nightclub with big grins on their faces

 

-Toad: Aahh, this sure beats getting treated like horse manure by Mario!

 

Cut back to Mario and Koopa.

 

-Mario: See if I care. Go ahead and burn the nightclubs as viciously as you like. In fact you'd be doing me a big favor with that. Koopa army, go ahead and burn all the Mushroom nightclubs! Do it!

 

All the Koopa minions in the chapel then get up and run out of the chapel with a loud "Yaaaayyyy! Burn the nightclubs!"

 

-Koopa: Hey, wait, come back, you idiots! Since when do you obey Mario?!

 

-Mario: Just a little mindgames. Now let's get physical. This is going to hurt big time, Koopa!

 

-Koopa: I still have my most faithful servants. Triclyde, Fryguy, protect the bride and groom! Fight!

 

-Fryguy: I....I'm scaaaared....

 

-Triclyde: Fryguy, get a grip! Use your super cigarette powers!

 

-Fryguy: Oh, that's right, I still have the Kaleido Moon Smoke! But....but it's completely useless. Aahh, no way, I don't want to get beaten up! Mommyyyy! Waaah!!

 

Fryguy then runs away, crying like a baby.

 

-Mario: That just leaves the triple idiot. And he'll be no match for my fireballs! Eat this, Triklutz! Fireball!

 

-Triclyde: Uwaaahh!!

 

Clyde is blasted into a wall by Mario's exaggeratedly powerful fireballs. Before he passes out, he still mutters these words:

 

-Triclyde: No need to worry....the plan is running smoothly....

 

-Mario: Right, now for you, Koopa!

 

-Koopa: Yeep, nowhere to run. I'll get thrashed. No, it's horrible!

 

-Mario: End of the road, Koopa! I'm taking you to a whole world o' hurt. You're going to suffer!

 

However, they are then interrupted by a voice loudly pronouncing this phrase:

 

-"That's enough! Don't move another muscle, Mario!"-

 

-Mario: Wha...?

 

Turning around, Mario sees that the bride has risen to her feet again. Camera slowly pans around the bride as she pronounces these words:

 

-"A wedding is the day when two young lovers seal their promise to protect each other forever. You have cruelly disrupted this moment of love and peace, but now the game's up! The angel of love, Wedding Mouser is about to get rather cheesed off!"-

 

The bride then takes off her veil, and Mouser's face appears.

 

-Mario & Koopa: Gasp!!

 

-Koopa: No way, that was Mouser?!

 

-Mario: Is this how you get yer kicks nowadays, Koopa?

 

-Mouser: Mouth off, chubby! You dared to attack my beloved! For that, you will pay! Wedding change, freshen up! Angel impulsive Mouser!!

 

The wedding dress-clad Mouser then leaps high into the air and rips his dress to shreds, thus revealing a snug-fitting black leather costume decorated with several shiny iron spikes, which he was wearing underneath his dress. He lands gracefully in front of Mario. While this is going on, Triclyde slowly regains his spirits. Witnessing this scene, he ponders the following thoughts:

 

-Triclyde: Uh-oh, this is -not- good. This isn't part of my plan! Mouser isn't suppose to interfere, this is not the way it should happen! Oh no, it's all going pear-shaped!

 

-Mouser: Today, my most intense wish came true. Nothing will stand in my way now that my lord Koopa has given me the token of his burning eternal love!

 

-Koopa: Uhm....did I do that?

 

-Mouser: You're no match for me, Mario! Here comes my specialty; a double grenade launcher frenzy!

 

He then takes out two heavily-charged grenade launchers and points them at Mario. Mario sito presto runs away in panic, and Mouser gives chase at full blast, firing his guns in an out-of-control frenzy. Screen cuts to a high-speed chase scene, complete with rapid, streaking backgrounds during which Mario and Mouser exchange these remarks:

 

-Mario: Yikes! This guy is nuts! This isn't part of my contract! I want my lawyeeeer!!

 

-Mouser: You can run but you can't hide! I'm invincible now that I have the power of true love backing me! Wuhahahaaaa! Eat shotgun death, lardy!!

 

-Mario: Aieee!!

 

Screen cuts back to the chapel, where Koopa is standing on his own. He speaks these words to himself:

 

-Koopa: So....that was Mouser....

 

Cut to a rapid flashback of the scene where Koopa kissed his "bride"

 

-Koopa: Hmmm...come to think of it....that felt kinda good.

 

As soon as he has pronounced these words, a whole horde of Koopa minions pops up from behind bits of scenery and funiture, and in unition, they belt out a loud and clear "Say what??".

 

-Koopa: Ah, no no no! I didn't mean it! It's horrible, that mouse boy is starting to mess with my mind!

 

At that moment, princess Toadstool suddenly strides into the chapel. She walks straight up to Koopa and punches him right in the face.

 

-Princess: You dirty old man! This is absolutely scandalous! I come here to get married and get dumped in a dungeon instead! I managed to escape by violently punching in the door and brutally murdering the guards, and then I find out that you prefer to give a tremendous kiss to that Mouser person! You've gone too far this time!

 

-Koopa: No, wait, I can explain, it's a misunderstanding, honestly....

 

-Princess: I don't want to hear it! You men are all the same! No excuses, Koopa! I saw the way you snogged him, right on the mouth! That was serious allright!

 

-Koopa: But...but, no, it's not like that!

 

-Princess: I've had it with perverts of your kind! Stick to your gunslinging rodent boy, I'm outta here!

 

She then punches a hole into a nearby wall and disappears through that, leaving Koopa behind.

 

-Koopa: No...no way! I've really done it this time!

 

Screen fades out and cuts to a shot of Mouser, who is still running after Mario and firing heavy weaponry at him.

 

-Mouser: And now, the flame thrower! Nothing can stop me anymore! You're history, Mario! Uwaaa ha ha ha haaa!

 

-Mario: Aieee! Get this nutter off me!!

 

While this little chase scene continues, the screen slowly fades out.

 

Chapter 6 - Oh, My Gorgeous Love Letter

 

"Plumber's log, number 1-2-3-5....damn...1-2-4...1-2-5-3...oh, forget it. It was a peaceful time in the Mushroom Kingdom. Everything was tranquil, and very very boring, except for one thing: Yoshi had gone 'out for snacks'...."

 

Episode opens on a shot of a clearing in the forest. A lone mushroom figurant comes by and sits down on a tree trunk.

 

-Mushroom figurant: Aah, this sure is a lovely day for going out in the forest. Now for a quick sandwich!

 

He takes out a large sandwich, but just when he's about to sink his teeth into it, a few bushes begin to rustle behind the mushroom. He turns around, and stares at the bushes. Yoshi pops out of these bushes, with his eyes overly large and shiny.

 

-Yoshi: Meeewwww....

 

-Mushroom figurant: Oh, it's a Yoshi. It's cute!

 

-Yoshi: I'm a widdle Yoshi, and I got lost in the woods...*sad, pleading stare*, I'm hungwyyy...

 

-Mushroom figurant: Oh, that is really tragic! Poor baby! Here, have a bite of my sandwich.

 

The unsuspecting mushroom holds out the sandwich towards Yoshi.

 

-Yoshi: Wee! Thank you, mistew Mushwoom!....*sly grin*...Gotcha, sucker!!

 

With blinding speed, Yoshi opens his mouth wide, and lashes out his terrifying, long tongue. Yoshi's tongue wraps itself around the mushroom's neck and the hapless victim is pulled into Yoshi's mouth, screaming in panic. Yoshi swallows him whole, and then delivers the following remark.

 

-Yoshi: Hah, the idiot! He never even knew what hit him! They always fall for the tragic cutey routine. He was pretty tasty...but I'm still hungry. Let's see if there are some more suckers for me to devour...Mu wa ha ha haaa!

 

But suddenly, Mario's voice interrupts this scene.

 

-Mario: Yoshi, stop it! We told you a million times, do not eat the figurants! They cost twenty gold coins each!

 

Mario, Toad and Luigi arrive on the scene and face Yoshi.

 

-Yoshi: Aahh, push off. I'll eat whatever I want, and there's no stopping me!

 

-Toad: Oh no, this is bad! Last time he did that, he devoured 5 figurants, half of the set pieces, the sound engineer, the camera operator and the assistant-director. Replacing them was very expensive!

 

-Mario: That's right. We can't have Yoshi eating the film crew every other episode, it's killing our budget!

 

-Toad: It's also the reason why we constantly have to do episodes without any decent staff. The minute we hire a halfway decent animator, Yoshi eats him. This has to stop! Last time, he ate the animation supervisor, and because of that, no-one rectified the animation goof-ups, and I ended up with my clothes painted fluorescent pink by mistake for a whole episode! It was humiliating!

 

-Mario: So, you see, you really mustn't do that, Yoshi. Now come along with us like a good boy.

 

-Yoshi: Not on yer life, I'm still hungry! Snack time!

 

With those words, Yoshi wraps his tongue around the tree trunk that his most recent victim had used as a resting place, and swallows the thing in one go.

 

-Toad: Nooo! That was our last plastic tree prop! Now we'll have to go back to using the cheapo cardboard ones! This is a catastrophe!

 

-Yoshi: Hmmm....*creepy stare*...Tooooaad...

 

-Toad: Whu...what? Yoshi, you're giving me such a strange look...

 

-Luigi: It's the same look Koopa has on his face when he sees a pair of handcuffs. It means you're doomed, Toad, and me and Mario probably are as well. Oh well, makes no difference...

 

-Toad: N...no..Yoshi, you wouldn't....

 

-Yoshi: Come here, you bite-sized salad on legs! You're the main course!

 

Once again, Yoshi's tongue is shot out, but Toad avoids this by ducking out of the way rapidly.

 

-Toad: Eeek! He's gone nuts! Mario, do something!

 

-Mario: Right away! Chaaaarge!

 

With those words, Mario grabs Luigi's left leg, and runs towards Yoshi, menacingly swinging his brother around like a weapon. He then brings Luigi crashing down upon Yoshi's head, who passes out after this mortifying attack. Mario then casually throws Luigi away over his shoulder. A muffled crash is heard.

 

-Mario: There, that should calm him down for a while. Toad, get the tranquilizer shots ready.

 

-Toad: Right away! We should use the extra strong ones.

 

Toad then takes out a small case containing a bunch of injection needles. He takes a large injection needle filled with a bright pink liquid from the case and hands it to Mario. Mario reads out the inscription on the needle's label.

 

-Mario: "Snore Time, deluxe tranquilizer. Our tranquilizers are made with nothing but the finest, carefully selected ingredients. Contains: vodka, ketchup, LSD, aspirin, Vetyver de Guerlain, accrylic paint, Maggi bouillon herbs and ordinary household bleach." Hey, this stuff sounds pretty good!

 

-Toad: Never mind, just inject the stuff into Yoshi. That way he'll be fast asleep ad we can drag him back to the princess' castle without running the risk of having him waking up and trying to eat us.

 

Mario acts upon this advice, and once Yoshi is fast asleep, Mario and Toad drag him away. After they've disappeared, the camera slowly zooms in to a shot of Luigi, who is still lying there on the ground, in a crumpled pile.

 

-Luigi: ...he...did -that- again...

 

Loud cawing of crows is heard in the background as the screen fades out and cuts to a shot inside the princess' castle. The princess is lying flat on a couch in front of the TV with empty packs of crisps and cans of soft drink littering the area.

 

-Princess: *huge yawn* Oh god, I am so bored...so brain-numbingly bored, I think it'll kill me. I really miss that big dope Koopa. It's just not the same without him....Maybe I should give him a second chance...

 

For a moment, she stares at the telephone.

 

-Princess: But, if I phone him like that, it'll make me look too desperate. He mustn't get the impression that he can pull a stunt like that and just get away with it. No, I need a different approach...ah, I got it!

 

She rapidly grabs a piece of paper and a pen and begins to scribble.

 

-Princess: Let's see now....how should I start this? "To my honeybunny"? That's too crawly. "Yo, fat guy", perhaps? No, I don't think that strikes the right note either. Let's just make it "My darling". Okay, now on to the actual letter. I'll keep it brief, something like: "I will await you tonight, at midnight, under the big cardboard cherry tree prop. I have something very important to tell you. Be there. Signed: your snugglycakes." Yes, that should do it. Now to post this...

 

Screen cuts to a fast-forward scene of the princess running to a letterbox and hurling in her letter, and running back to the castle. Screen then cuts to a shot of the Koopa Kafé bar, where Fyrguy is sitting, his mouth stuffed with cigarettes. Triclyde drags himself into the bar, looking half dead, with a sack of ice on his leftmost head. He slumps down next to Fryguy.

 

-Fryguy: Eeehyaa, it's zombie! Scary!!

 

-Triclyde: Uhrnn...don't scream like that. My hangover's just killing me.

 

-Fryguy: Oh, it's only you, Clyde. You scared me. You look just terrible.

 

-Triclyde: Figures, I feel just terrible as well. Getting hangovers is not a good idea when you have three heads. It triples the pounding headache, see.

 

-Fryguy: Oh my...

 

Suddenly, Mouser pops up behind them, with a huge grin and he enthusiastically belts out these words:

 

-Mouser: Hey! You two, straighten yourselves up! This is no way to look for proud servants of the gorgeous Lord Koopa! Come on, don't hang about like that! There's no time for such slacking! We've got stupidly-named kingdoms to conquer, fat plumbers to battle, budget cuts to struggle with and handsome superiors to dearly love!

 

-Triclyde: Speak for yourself, queen of the freaks...

 

-Fryguy: Somehow, I liked Mouser better when he was a depressive alcoholic maniac. I mean, whatever happened to the days when you could gulp down twenty stale gin and tonics?

 

-Mouser: Hah, you're looking at the new me! The power of love has given me a surge of fresh energy! I have no more need for gin and tonics! I must keep both my mind and body pure now that I have Lord Koopa as my boyfriend!

 

-Triclyde: Oh, come off it, he's -not- your boyfriend.

 

-Mouser: Oh yeah? Well, he did kiss me, I'll have you know! With tongue, if you please!

 

-Triclyde: Oh god, my hangover just got worse....

 

-Fryguy: And it's still true that you never got to complete the wedding ceremony. Lord Koopa had the vicar guillotined immediately after the incident. In other words, you didn't get married.

 

-Mouser: Married schmarried! Marriage is just a lot of dumb show! It's dated! Lord Koopa and I don't need that, we're a modern couple!

 

-Triclyde: So modern that you're not even a couple.

 

-Fryguy: Mouser lives in his own little world. Try as we might, it's impossible to talk him out of this idea he has that Lord Koopa is now returning his affections.

 

-Mouser: Ahh, I will always treasure this wonderful memory of my first kiss....

 

-Triclyde: Yeah, right, you hang around bars hitting on men for the entire 18 years of your life, and you expect us to believe that was your first kiss?

 

-Fryguy: He has no touch with reality whatsoever...

 

-Mouser: Hah, you're just jealous because you could never in your life attract such a handsome man!

 

-Fryguy: I'm very glad to hear that.

 

At that point, a Koopa Troopa enters the bar and dumps a large canvas bag in front of them, pronouncing this phrase:

 

-Troopa: The mail's here.

 

-Triclyde: Great, another thing that'll make my hangover worse.

 

-Fryguy: Let's see now, there's the electricity bills, the heating bills, a bill from Jean-Paul Gaultier for Lord Koopa's special-ordered Lady Pomapdour costume...

 

-Mouser: Just a minute, is there no fan mail congratulating me on my union with Lord Koopa?

 

-Triclyde: Mouser, are you out of your mind? We -never- get fan mail on this crummy series!

 

-Mouser: What a rip-off!

 

-Fryguy: It's tragic, isn't it? But, there's the usual dosis of hate mail and death threats. Look, here's one from a certain mister Aol Gates, and he writes: "UR SHOW SUKS!!!!!! DAT MOWSUR DOODZ GAY OR SUMFIN!!!!1!!". I'm quoting directly.

 

-Triclyde: I see, it's a constructive critic...

 

-Fryguy: He probably has a point somewhere. That bit about how our show sucks is perfectly true.

 

-Mouser: I don't believe this. He made two spelling mistakes in my name! And just what does he mean by "gay or sumfin"?

 

-Fryguy: I think he means to say "or something".

 

-Mouser: Du-uh! I figured that out, I just don't get what he's referring to. What does the "or something" bit translate into? It makes no sense!

 

-Triclyde: Well, this guy's probably not too quick on the uptake, that's all.

 

-Mouser: Talk about the understatement of the century. Hrrrm, I really don't like being referred to as "dat Mowsur dood". In fact, I think I should introduce this Aol Gates person to a close personal friend of mine...

 

-Triclyde: And that would be...?

 

-Mouser: Why, Mister Shotgun, of course! Hya ha ha haaa!

 

Mouser runs off with a frightening laugh. Triclyde then turns to the camera, and with a serious face, pronounces the following phrase:

 

-Triclyde: Take a lesson, kiddies. Do not send us dumb remarks like that or we'll send Mouser after you. He knows where you live.

 

-Fryguy: Ooh, that's scary! Oh, this letter looks unusual...

 

Fryguy takes a pink envelope sealed with a heart mark from the bag in front of them.

 

-Fryguy: Look at this, a letter in a pink envelope, with a heart mark...it was written by someone who wears cheap perfume, I can smell. And it's addressed to Lord Koopa.

 

-Triclyde: Oh, big surprise. Well, if it's for Lord Koopa, shouldn't you take it to him?

 

-Fryguy: Uhm...do I have to?

 

-Triclyde: With my killer hangover, I'm in no state to move a muscle.

 

-Fryguy: Okay, I'll go, if there's no other way.

 

Cut to a shot of Fryguy knocking on the door to Koopa's dressing room.

 

-Fryguy: Message for you, milord!

 

The door swings open and a cheap-looking rubber Godzilla head pops out, staring right into Fryguy's face.

 

-Fryguy: Whoaaa! It's a monsterrrr! Mommyyy! Aaahrg!!

 

Overcome by panic, Fryguy faints on the spot, droppig the pink letter. Koopa then comes out of his dressing room wearing a rubber Godzilla costume and takes off the mask.

 

-Koopa: Guess my rubber monster costume is more lifelike that I expected. Hmm, what's this?

 

Koopa bends down and picks up the pink envelope that Fryguy has dropped, opens it and reads it's contents.

 

-Koopa:.....Oh, great, now the nicotine addict is beginning to take after Mouser. I quite understand that a man who dresses as well as I do is irresistible to anyone, but if all of my servants develop an obsession with me, that might be pretty awkward. I mean, this Mouser thing already cost me one girl and.....

 

Koopa suddenly looks up, seemingly startled.

 

-Koopa: Wait a minute....that smell, on that letter, it's....why of course! Mushroom Supermarket-brand perfume, which has had it's price slashed! Not only is that one of my favorites to use, it's also the type of perfume that my princess regularly wears! I'm sure of it! So, this letter is from her? Wow, brilliant, she's coming back!

 

But hesitatingly, he then looks over to the still unconscious Fryguy.

 

-Koopa: But on the other hand...suppose the letter -is- from him after all? Hmm....I don't want to take any chances...but then again, if it's from the princess, I musn't let her slip through my fingers! This is tricky...Well, the first step in such a dilemma is to choose a proper outfit!

 

Koopa rushes back into his dressing room. He leaves the letter on a table and clambers into his wardrobe, muttering these words:

 

-Koopa: Rats, this wardrobe is bigger than Australia. How will I ever find my two-piece leopard print bikini in this mess?

 

Meanwhile, outside the dressing room, Fryguy slowly regains his consciousness.

 

 

-Fryguy: Uhnn, what happened?...Oh no, the monster! There's a monster! Eeek, I must get out of here! Heeelp, monster alert!!

 

Gripped by hysteria, he runs off, screaming in terror. Mouser then rushes onto this scene, carrying a good dosis of heavy artillery.

 

-Mouser: What was that about a monster?! I'm sure I heard someone yelling about a monster...Oh no, what if this monster is attacking my beloved Lord Koopa's wardrobe! I've got to do something! My sweetheart could be under attack from a monster! Oh, but wait...what if he's changing into a funky outfit in there...hmm....heh heh heh.....slurrrp....that just gives me every reason to go in there on the double! Hang in there, milord, I'm coming!

 

Having made this decision, he runs into the dressing room, and the first thing he spots is the letter lying on a table in front of him.

 

-Mouser: What's this? "My darling, I will await you at midnight under the big cardboard cherry tree prop. I have something very important to tell you. Be there. Signed: your snugglycakes".....But that means...Lord Koopa wants to see me at midnight? To tell me something very important? Oh wow, way to go! I knew this would happen! My horoscope said so! "This will be a very favorable month for the lovelife of an Aquarius", and it came true! During all the 18 years of my life I've waited for this! I'll be there for sure! Yahoo!

 

In a fit of joy, Mouser then runs out of the dressing room again. Koopa's head then pops out of the wardrobe, adorned with a mock diamond tiara, humongous pearl earrings and a ludicrous wig.

 

-Koopa: What? Did I just hear someone in here? Hmm, must've been my imagination. Now where did I leave my strapless turkis ballroom dress?

 

Screen cuts to a shot of Mario and Toad, still dragging the sleeping Yoshi around. It's night by now, therefore, the background features some badly-painted stars and a crescent moon.

 

-Mario: Phew, I never expected Yoshi would be so heavy!

 

-Toad: Well, it makes sense. He's got three figurants, seven plastic tree props and all of spotlights plus their wiring inside his stomach, so of course he's heavy. We've been dragging him behind us for hours, but we're not getting anywhere quickly. It's almost midnight by now...how miserable...

 

-Mario: Yes. I'll speak very sternly to my agent about this. Oh, wait a minute, look over there, by that big cardboard cherry tree prop!

 

-Toad: You mean the one with the really rotten paint job?

 

-Mario: That's the one. The guy who's standing there...don't we know him?

 

-Toad: Yikes! That's that maniac Mouser! What's he doing here?!

 

-Mario: I don't want to know, but if he sees us, he'll go bonkers and murder us!

 

-Toad: Quick, we'll hide behind a cardboard prop of a bush!

 

They quickly duck behind a cardboard bush, dragging Yoshi into this safe location as well. From this hideout, they observe Mouser, who speaks these words to himself:

 

-Mouser: My heart's racing...almost midnight, I can't wait anymore! I got here extra early, and soon, my Lord Koopa will come here....ohh, I could just die! Lord Koopa wrote me a love letter, it's so cute! He's really very shy and sensible, deep down....

 

At that moment, Koopa's silhouette pops up behind Mouser, and Koopa's voice is heard, speaking these words:

 

-Koopa: What the heck are -you- doing here?!

 

-Mouser: Oh! Finally!

 

Mouser then turns around and finds himself face-to-face with Koopa, who is dressed in a Sailor Starlights costume. A silence follows as the sight of this causes Mouser's eyes to widen and his face to turn bright red.

 

-Mouser: Buh....buh...black leather...bikini...Whooaaaaw!!

 

To see the man of his dreams clad in a Starlights ensemble is so overwhelming to Mouser that he falls backwards, with fountains of blood shooting from his nostrils, and he rapidly loses consciousness. Koopa contemplates the fainted Mouser for a moment, while crows can be heard cawing in the background.

 

-Koopa: This is no good! If the princess arrives now and sees me in a skimpy black leather costume with an unconscious Mouser, all hell will break loose! I've got to do something! I have to get rid of Mouser, quickly!

 

He looks around, forlorn and panicky, then he forcefully kicks Mouser, who is sent flying by the impact of his kick, and lands behind the cardboard bush that Mario and Toad were using as a hiding place with a crashing noise. Cut to a shot of Mario, with Mouser lying on top of him, still unconscious.

 

-Mario: Ma....mamma mia, what happened?

 

-Toad: Shhh! Mario, don't make another sound! If you wake up Mouser, we'll both be toast!

 

-Mario: Easy for you to say.

 

-Toad: You also shouldn't move a muscle.

 

-Mario: This is just....typical...

 

Cut back to Koopa, who's nervously twiddling his thumbs underneath the cardboard tree. At that moment, the princess arrives on the scene.

 

-Princess: Koopa! So you got my note!

 

-Koopa: Of course! I could tell it was from you because of the perfume!

 

-Princess: I've missed you so much! I was an idiot! Koopa, no-one could ever take your place! You're my darling slimy disgusting sonuvabitch!

 

Cut back to a shot behind the cardboard bush, with Mouser still on top of Mario.

 

-Toad: This is weird, the princess has arrived, and she's talking to Koopa.

 

-Mario: Say what?!

 

-Toad: Ssshh! Mario! Do you want to kill us?! Keep quiet! Mouser's still here!

 

-Mario: Allright, allright. What are they talking about, though?

 

-Toad: I can't quite make out what they're saying. It's too windy and they're too far away. I think she just called him disgusting...

 

-Mario: Oh no, what is he doing to her?! He must be forcing her into horrible things! I must stop him!

 

-Toad: No, Mario, don't moooove!

 

-Mario: Oh, drat, this is horrible.

 

But things then got even more horrible. Mouser, slowly regaining his spirits began to stir.

 

-Mario & Toad: Glups....

 

-Mouser: Uhmmm...my Lord Koopa.....hmmm, I luuuurve yooou....

 

-Mario: Eek! What is he doing?!

 

Presuming, in his state of half-awakeness that he was lying on top of Koopa, Mouser was as of now attempting to kiss Mario, who didn't like this idea at all and made no secret of it.

 

-Mario: Aiiieeee!! Get this maniac off me!!

 

-Mouser: Huh? What? Mario?! What the heck...?! Where is my Lord Koopa?!

 

-Toad: Uh-oh, now we've done it.

 

-Mouser: Whatever the meaning of this nonsense is, you won't go unpunished! Mario, you are -so- dead!

 

-Mario: What did I do?! You're the one who tried to forcefully snog me, you nutter!

 

-Mouser: How dare you! You bitch! Lord Koopa is the only one in my heart! You make me sick with disgust, you ugly little man!

 

-Toad: We're doomed. Totally doomed...

 

However, at that point, another person entered the conversation.

 

-Yoshi: Yoshi hungwyyy....

 

-Toad: Gasp! Now that one woke up as well!

 

-Yoshi: I feel like a midnight snack!

 

-Mario: Not again!

 

Cut back to Koopa and the princess.

 

-Princess: Wait a minute, I'm hearing voices in the background. We're not alone here...

 

-Koopa: Voices? Are you sure?

 

-Princess: Positive! They're coming from behind that cardboard bush prop, over there!

 

The princess points at the prop that Mario and the others were using for cover. At that very moment, Mario bursts out of his hiding place, and runs towards Koopa and the princess in panic, followed by Toad:

 

-Mario: Run for it! Yoshi's woken up, and he's really angry!

 

-Toad: He'll eat us all if we don't scram!

 

-Mario: Let's go, princess! I'll save you from the horrible pervert Koopa!

 

Before they can react, Mario grabs the princess' hand and drags here away with Toad.

 

-Princess: Nooo! What are you doing?!

 

-Koopa: Wait! Come back! Too late, they're gone...aahh, what a rip-off! Mario, you'll pay for this!

 

However, a long, lashing tongue then slips onto the screen and rips off the cherry tree prop behind Koopa. Alerted by the noise this makes, he turns around and sees Yoshi behind him.

 

-Yoshi: Ahhhaaa! There's the big main course! Yum, delicious!

 

-Koopa: Eek! No way, keep that lunatic away from me!

 

Suddenly, Mouser's voice cuts into this scene:

 

-Mouser: Geronimooo!!

 

He comes rushing onto the screen, hurling grenades all over the place. Using the smoke from the explosions as a cover, he picks us Koopa and runs off with him.

 

-Mouser: It's okay, I'm here! I'll save you!

 

-Koopa: Hey, watch where you're grabbing me! And get back to the castle, quickly!

 

-Mouser: Understood!

 

They disappear into the distance as well, leaving Yoshi behind.

 

-Yoshi: What a rip-off! My dinner got kidnapped! Oh well, I'll just eat the voice actors!

 

Screen fades out and cuts to a shot of Koopa in his wardrobe, wearing a shiny spandex costume. He's talking to the princess over the telephone.

 

-Koopa: What am I wearing? Heh heh heh, it's pink spandex! Finest brand! No, I can't tell you what the colour of my slip is. I'm not wearing one. Allright, so how about we get together next Saturday and burn some defenseless villages? Okay, fine, three o' clock suits me perfectly. Sure, we'll have dinner afterwards. Okay, see ya babe.

 

He then hangs up the phone and makes the following remark:

 

-Koopa: Sure is good to have everything back to normal!

 

From a window, Mouser has been watching this whole scene, and his face is a showcase of rage and horror. Screen cuts to Triclyde and Fryguy sitting in the bar. Suddenly, a hole is punched into the wall behind them, and through this hole, Mouser comes in. He takes his position behind the bar with these words:

 

-Mouser: A gin 'n tonic. And make it strong.

 

While Mouser gulps down an over-sized glass of alcohol, Triclyde and Fryguy exchange these remarks.

 

-Fryguy: I guess this means everything really is back to normal.

 

Triclyde: Normal? What the heck do you mean, "normal"?

 

Screen fades out as Mouser continues to empty huge glasses.

 

Chapter 7 - Revolutionary Boy Tricylde

 

Plumber's log, number 1+1=......that other one. Well, I really don't need to tell you what had happened, Koopa had just ripped off the princess again, yadi yadi ya, bla bla bla, the usual kind of stupid excuse for lame witticisms and bad animation. Well, it's not -my- fault that no-one can come up with a decent scenario in this dumb studio. So, anyway, we were just about to storm Koopa's place.....

 

Fade in to a shot of Mario, Toad and Yoshi running towards Koopa's castle, carrying Luigi.

 

-Mario: Chaaarge! We'll use Luigi as a battering ram to break open the entry gate!

 

-Toad: It's a brilliant idea!

 

-Yoshi: Is a battering ram tasty?

 

Using Mario's latest Luigi-unfriendly strategy, they crash through the solid steel door of Koopa's castle as if it was made out of rice pudding. Once inside, Mario sums up the situation with these words:

 

-Mario: There, piece of cake. My ingenious and intricate plan worked like a dream.

 

-Toad: Well, not quite, Mario. They were expecting us, and now we're surrounded....

 

Camera zooms out and reveals that Toad is quite right; a horde of Koopa Troopas is standing around them, making menacing faces. A short piece of intese music plays, until Mario ruins the mood by stating:

 

-Mario: Uhm...well, so what?

 

The Troopas then take out shotguns and point them at Mario and co.

 

-Toad: Well, so they've got guns.

 

At that point, Koopa steps forward wearing a strapless violet chiffon dress, with Triclyde, Mouser and Fryguy following him. He approaches Mario, and with a nasty grin, he utters these words:

 

-Koopa: I've got you now, Mario! You're surrounded by heavily-armed guards! Move one muscle and your head gets blown off! There is no way out; you're toast!

 

-Mouser: Ahh, my Lord Koopa, he's so hot when he's gloating....hmmm, and that dress suits him so well... *drooling*

 

-Fryguy: Don't you -ever- give it a rest?

 

-Koopa: Enough, you lot! Now, Mario, you don't look so smug anymore, do you?

 

-Mario: Koopa, you swine! Where is the princess?!

 

-Koopa: None of your business! And now, now that you are defenseless, powerless, unable to move, and that I have you right where I want it, with multiple deadly loaded shotguns pointed right at your fat face, I will....I will dump you into my dungeon!

 

-Everyone: Eh??

 

-Koopa: Ah ha ha ha! I'm so cruel, it's frightening!

 

-Triclyde: Uhm....milord....I don't know how to put this...but basically, that's a terribly stupid thing to do.

 

-Koopa: What is?

 

-Triclyde: Well, this is a perfect chance to kill them. Why would we let them live and put them into a jail cell instead? We have absolutely no reason to spare them and let this superb oportunity go to waste! I say kill them right now, while we can!

 

-Koopa: Ahh, shut yer face. All three of them. We -always- hurl them into the dungeon, in every single bleedin' episode.

 

-Triclyde: Yes, and then they -always- escape and kick our teeth in. We musn't take such a risk! We could easily kill them now and never hear of them again!

 

-Koopa: I don't care! I've got to dump them into prison, it says so in the script!

 

-Fryguy: Huh? What's a script?

 

-Triclyde: Milord, no-one is falling for that excuse. We -never- read our scripts. And besides, what the script really says in this scene is "Mario, it looks like you are plumb out of luck!".

 

-Koopa: My god, that has to be the single most lame pun in the history of the world. No way am I saying something so stupid in front of a camera. What in the world were they thinking of? Did someone get payd to write such crappy lines?

 

-Fryguy: Nope.

 

-Triclyde: Look, all of this is beside the point! This is a perfect chance to kill them and achieve a final victory! There's no point in letting them live when it's so easy to kill them now! It makes no sense!

 

-Koopa: That's what you say, but I'm the boss around here, and what I say goes, so there. Nyah. And I say we dump them into the dungeon!

 

-Triclyde: Sheez, you absolute idiot! This is nuts! It's so stupid! How many times must I explain! Are you so blinkin' stupid that you can't even grasp that this is a perfect chance to get rid of your biggest enemy once and for all?! Are you that much of a fat, ugly, perverted and braindead moron?!

 

-Mouser: Why you....! How dare you say that to my Lord Koopa?! You bastard, no matter who you are, I'll never forgive you! Die!!

 

-Fryguy: Aieee! It's scary!! *faints*

 

-Mouser: Ruhwoooaaarrr! Triclyde, you're history! I'm going to kill you!!

 

-Koopa: Wait, wait, what are you lot doing?

 

-Mouser: Lemme at him! I'm going to blow all of his stupid faces off!

 

-Koopa: No, look, just calm down. You can't have your psycho fit just two pages into the script. Now, if Triclyde wants to kill them that badly, I guess we can kill them, just this once. Okay? Happy now, Triclyde?

 

-Triclyde: Far from it. Milord, while we wasted our time arguing, our captives have snuck off.

 

-Koopa: Say what?!

 

Indeed, Mario, Toad, Luigi and Yoshi have dissappeared from the scene...

 

-Koopa: What a rip-off! Troopas, why didn't you open fire, you twerps!

 

-One Single Troopa That Doesn't Know When To Shut Up: But your lordship, we never shoot them, we always dump them into the dungeon for no reason at all...

 

-Koopa: Right, and if you, Triclown, hadn't started your dumb story about killing them instead, this wouldn't have happened!

 

-Triclyde: Instead of starting another dumb argument we should start to look for them...

 

-Koopa: Easy for you to say...I mean, where could they possibly be?!

 

-Mario: Right here!!

 

Mario suddenly leaps out, swinging Luigi around like a club, and dashes right at his enemies!

 

-Mario: Now eat this! My fearsome trademark Luigi club attack! Hyaaah!

 

-Koopa and co: Aiiieeee!!

 

Blam, thud, groan, etcetera. Screen cuts to a shot inside the Koopa Kafé bar, with Koopa's three henchmen once again slumped around large glasses of alcohol.

 

-Triclyde: *downs a glas of vodka* And so, we were defeated once again. Man, what a capital fiasco..

 

-Fryguy: It was really scary! I need loads of cigarrettes now!

 

-Triclyde: *downs a glass of saké* Every time it's the same....every single godforsaken time....

 

-Mouser: It's terrible! I failed to protect my Lord Koopa, even though that's my duty as his boyfriend!

 

-Triclyde: *downs a glass of tequila*...every single lousy time, and I'm just so bleedin' sick of it....

 

-Fryguy: Clyde, are you talking to yourself?

 

-Triclyde:*downs a glass of nitroclycerin*...just so sick of it all...of all this junk....

 

-Mouser: He's drunk, he probably has no idea what he's rambling on about.

 

At that point, Triclyde suddenly rises, and in a drunken voice, he belts out the following monolgue, while swaying around the bar.

 

-Triclyde: Oh yez, I got it now! I've decided *hips*, that I've got to do sssomething! I'm through with being an absolute *hiccups* fllllop! From nnnow on, thingzz will be different!

 

-Mouser: Do you mean you're going to try a new hairstyle?

 

-Triclyde: Put a llllid on it, you! I'll tell you what I'll do! I'm gonna...*hurps*...I'm gonna take over the Koopa army! Yeah!

 

-Fryguy: He's more drunk than I thought....

 

-Triclyde: Our gurrent leaduhr izz a moron! He'zz worthless! *hiups* If we keep lozing to Mario, it' z all hizz vault! It'z because he'z zo terminally zdoopid! *hips* But now I'll take over, and id will alllll be *hiccups* different! Zzo, who's wid me, huh?

 

No-one pays attention to him....

 

-Triclyde: Ffffine! *hic* Be that wwway! If not with you lot, then wwwithout you!

 

He then stumbles out of the bar, swaying severely....

 

-Fryguy: Hmmm...do you think he really means it?

 

-Mouser: Dunno...he's utterly smashed, I'd be surprised if he can even manage to drag himself up the stairs to Lord Koopa's room.

 

-Fryguy: But still, there's no telling what he's up to....

 

-Mouser: That's a point, I suppose. And I really can't leave the man of my life to the mercy of some drunken rowdy. Very well...*gulps down a gin 'n tonic*, I'm going after him!

 

Cut to a shot of Koopa in his dressing room. The door suddenly slams open, and Triclyde sways in, blurbing out these words:

 

-Triclyde: Oi, ffffat guy...

 

-Koopa: Not now, I'm trying to choose some proper suspender belts. Something that will go with my high-tops.

 

-Triclyde: To heck with high-topz, you're going dowwwn.

 

-Koopa: Either you're wearing a very strong after-shave, or you've been hitting the bottle big time. You're drunk, go pound your head against a wall and leave me alone.

 

-Triclyde: Naw! I don' wanna! I'm ovverthrowing you! *hiccups* Vvvrom now on, I'm leading the Koopa arrrmy!

 

-Koopa: Yup, drunk all right.

 

-Triclyde: Id'z a revvvoluttion! My big moment! *hics* Power to me!

 

With those words, Clyde uses his leftmost head to head-butt Koopa in the groin. Having rendered Koopa motionless with this unexpected offense, he wraps his tail around Koopa's ankle, begins to lasso him around, and hurls Koopa out of a window.

 

-Triclyde: Yezz! Vvigtory vorr me! And now....now I'm going to be sick...Owwch, way too much booze...

 

At that point, Mouser storms in, looking profoundly angered.

 

-Mouser: What in the world is going on here?!

 

-Triclyde: I'm going to hurl, that's what....

 

-Mouser: Why you...if you've dared to so much as lay a finger on my beloved, you'll regret it, big time!

 

-Triclyde: Oh no, I really don't need this right now....

 

-Mouser: Prepare to become a bullet salad! You are just -so- dead now!

 

-Triclyde: Luckily, I prepared for this eventuality. Mouser, look over here...

 

Clyde holds up an evelope in his rightmost mouth, and with a nasty smirk on his middle face, he begins to explain...

 

-Triclyde: Inside this envelope are several photos that I shot of Koopa in the shower!

 

-Mouser....!! Gulps!

 

-Triclyde: You...want to take a look, don't you? Come on, don't fight it...

 

-Mouser: Ah...no, I musn't....it's bound to be a trick...but I can't! I just can't! It's stronger than me! Gimme that envelope, I've -got- to look!

 

-Triclyde: Help yourself.

 

Willingly, Clyde hands Mouser the desireable envelope, which he immediately rips open. A cloud of pink powder emanates from the envelope and penetrates Mouser's nostrils...

 

 

-Triclyde: Heh. Sucker, you've just ripped open an envelope full of heavy sleeping medicine, it blew right in your face just as I expected. Sweet dreams...

 

-Mouser: No way....what a...rip...offvvvzzzz....zzzz

 

The sleeping powder had taken it's effect and Mouser was as of now in a profound slumber. Clyde took opportunity of this to lasso him out of the window just like he had done with Koopa, after which he spoke these words to himself:

 

-Triclyde: Hmm, maybe I should've used an overdose of heroin instead of just natty sleep powder...only pure heroin is too expensive....Uuhhrg, I've still go to puke big time, though....

 

Fryguy then rushes in, looking very worried.

 

-Fryguy: It's so scary! What's going on in here?! Is it over yet?! I can't take it anymore!

 

-Triclyde: Uhn...Urgh....Guh....

 

-Fryguy: Clyde, what's the matter?! Say something! Go on, speak to me, this is scaring me!

 

-Triclyde: Bleuwhaaaaauuurghhh......

 

-Fryguy: Yieeeeek, disgusting!

 

While Triclyde emptied the contents of his stomach before a terrified Fryguy, Koopa had regained consciousness. He had landed next to a large lake, and while overlooking it's calm surface, he contemplated these thoughts:

 

-Koopa: Now I've done it...I feared that this would happen someday...that, if someone in my army who had a halfway decent brain came to realise what kind of a useless moron I really am, he would revolt against me and kick me out. That's why I did my best to hire only complete idiots, but still...Now it's all ruined...My castle, my troops and....my wardrobe...All of my shoes, shorts, stockings, suspenders, bikinis, skirts, kimonos, corsettes, leather gear and dresses...What am I supposed to do? What the heck should I -do-??

 

After this tragic monologue, he went silent, but the sound of a voice humming the tune to "YMCA" caught his attention. He turned his head towards the source of this sound and spotted Mouser, sitting on a cliff in the lake, wearing a white shirt and black trousers, humming this melody....

 

-Mouser: A song is good, hmm?

 

-Koopa: ...Uhm....

 

-Mouser: Singing brings joy and revitalises the human soul. I think that it's the highest achievement of the human culture. Don't you feel that way...Lord Koopa?

 

-Koopa: What in the world are you talking about?

 

-Mouser: Milord, don't worry about a thing! I'll get you your castle back, no matter what it takes!

 

-Koopa:...You...?

 

-Mouser: Yes! I promise, I'll make them pay for what they did to you! I'll fight until my dying breath! I swear I will!

 

-Koopa: Hmm....

 

Koopa has a quick flashback to some random clips of Mouser's destructive gunslinging frenzies...

 

-Koopa: Actually, that might just work....

 

-Mouser: Allright then, let's go! It's time for me to fight to win love! Game start!

 

Determined, Mouser rises to his feet, and immediately, he slips and falls into the lake.

 

-Koopa: On the other hand, maybe this won't work....

 

-Mouser: Eeek! I can't swim! Heeelp! Do something!

 

-Koopa: I can't go into the water...*looks at his feet*...I hate it when my snuggly-wugglies get wet....

 

Screen fades out and cuts to a shot of a large armada of tanks, missile carriers and other sorts of millitary transport menacingly rolling over the plains of the Mushroom Kingdom. The engines of war are manned by Troopas, Goombas, Shy-guys and other sorts of motley flunkies. The pack is led by one especially large tank, with Triclyde standing proudly on it's rooftop, dressed entirely in millitary attire. Grinning evilly, he pronounces the following phrases:

 

-Triclyde: Hmm...Heh heh heh....Now that I rule the Koopa empire, an era of failure and stupidity has finally ended....

 

At that point, the Single Troopa That Doesn't Know When To Shut Up pops up and, with an embarrassed doofus grin, speaks these words:

 

 

-One Single Koopa Troopa That Doesn't Know When To Shut Up: Uhm...'scuse me, General Triclyde, sir, but....we're lost again.

 

-Triclyde: Doohhhh!! You moron! For this, you will recieve the death penalty! For the last time, the castle of princess Toadstool is dead ahead! And we will crush it into the ground! Lord Koopa may have had a secret affair with that braindead princess, which is why he never chose to employ the full force of his army, but I'm different. I'll show no mercy! Mario, the princess, and all those other morons; they will die, screaming! I shall leave a trail of massive destruction wherever I go! With all this firepower, and my ruthless and brutal cruelty, I will soon have the entire world in my grasp! Hu wa ha ha ha haaa! And then I will force the animators to paint me with some decent lighting effects and no colouring mistakes!

 

-One Single Troopa etc: General Triclyde, sir, they've miscoloured your dictator's costume; it's turned pastel violet instead of murky army green!

 

-Triclyde: They'll pay for that! Once we've nuked the Mushroom Kingdom, the animators are the next victims on my death list! No-one shall escape my thirst for blood and fire! Wuaaah ha ha ha haaa!!

 

Screen fades out and cuts to a scene inside the princess' castle. Toad comes up to the princess, with an envelope in his hand.

 

-Toad: Yo, wassup, royal babe? A'm da Toadman, an' dis 'ere phunk-E letter dood is a bodacious message for you!

 

-Princess: Oh please, Toad, not with the phoney slang talk routine -again-.

 

 

-Toad: Sorry, but I get paid to talk like that. The scriptwriters think it's hilarious.

 

-Princess: The scriptwriters have the mental capacity of half a baked potato between them. Now just hand me that letter and push off.

 

Toad obeys these orders, and while the princess opens the envelope, she ponders these thoughts...

 

-Princess: Hmm, could it be from my luvverboy Koopa? Maybe he wants me to spend the weekend at his place or something...

 

However, once she glances at the actual letter, an expression of profound horror appears on her face. Screen cuts to a shot of the letter, which has the following text on it:

 

-"Greetings, puny person! This is an audacious announcement from the immensely evil Triclyde empire! Your boyfriend has gotten the sack, and as of now, I, the bloodthirsty dictator, general Triclyde, am the one in charge of the Koopa forces, and my first job will be to kill you and turn the entire Mushroom Kingdom into a vegetarian omelette! Our armada is on it's way to you as of now, in a matter of minutes, the destruction shall commece, and no-one will be left to live! Even if you decide to surrender willingly, we'll still just kill you, so there! You and your putrid plumber posse are history! The Mushroom Kingdom shall be burnt to a crisp!

 

Signed cordially; General Triclyde"-

 

The sight of this produces the following reaction from the princess:

 

-Princess: Whoa, holy cow! Mario, Luigi, in here on the double!

 

After a while, the two plumbers drag themselves into the princess' room, looking not at all motivated.

 

-Mario: Now what?

 

-Princess: Someone is up to something very bad!

 

-Mario: Oh! So...Something very bad, like...stealing underwear, eating too many sweets and not doing your homework!

 

-Princess: It's nothing like that!

 

-Luigi: Then it must be a massive tidal wave heading right for us, spelling disaster for everyone....

 

-Princess: You're close, but it's different...maybe even worse...

 

-Mario: Don't tell me the animators are pretending to be ill! Not again!

 

-Princess: No, no, look out of the window...

 

They speed to a nearby window and from there, they behold the sight of Triclyde's massive armada of tanks rumbling towards the castle.

 

-Princess: Now do you see?

 

-Luigi: Oh, it's the apocalypse, we will all be killed in a gross and violent fashion now. Might as well hurl myself out of the window, then.....

 

-Mario: Yes, you do that. Meanwhile, I will....uhm...gee, what exactly will I do?

 

-Princess: Isn't it obvious?! You're going out there to fight!

 

-Mario: Me against that mass of tanks? That's suicide!

 

-Princess: Disobeying me is even more of a suicidical move. Now get out there and kick butt!

 

Immediately, she picks up Mario, and with an energic kick to his bum, she sends him flying out of the castle window, and towards the approaching tanks. Luigi, Yoshi and Toad are subjected to the same treatment and are hurled along with Mario towards the battle ground. They land in front of the tanks, which produces the following reaction from Triclyde.

 

-Triclyde: Oh, it's those bums. Excellent, they will be my first victims!

 

-Mario: Wah! It's Trashclyde! Quick, Yoshi, eat the tanks!

 

-Yoshi: I can't. I'm feeling sick....oh man, I should've never touched that squid special at Freaky Franky's Fishy Fantasy Funhouse seafood restaurant....My stomach hurts, it's killing me...

 

-Triclyde: Here's something to make you forget about your belly-aches! Fire!!

 

Immediately, a rain of bullets and rockets is projected upon the Mario group, who begin to run around in panic to avoid the explosives.

 

-Luigi: I told you we would die....

 

-Mario: Oh, shut yer yap and come here!

 

Mario then picks up Luigi and begins to swing him around, faster and faster...

 

-Mario: And here it is; the Luigi lasso throw attack! Eat it, Twotclyde!

 

Luigi is hurled at Triclyde's face like a boomerang, but a shower of missiles intercepts this plumber projectile, and a black-burned Luigi falls to the ground. A tank then drives over him, flattening him like a pancake.

 

-Mario: Didn't work! Next attack; Toad, annoy them to death with your funky slang talk!

 

-Toad: Right away! You, army-type dooz, ya godda loosen up, get mellow! Go wid da flow, ya know wud a'm sayin'?

 

-Triclyde: Murder that mushroom! Fire at full power!

 

Toad is also burnt to a crisp by a flood of explosives, causing Mario to make the following remark:

 

-Mario: Knackered! What will I do now?! Luigi and Toad have bravely given their lives in battle...

 

-Toad: I'm not dead....Besides, you're the one who killed Luigi.

 

-Luigi: No, I'm not dead....I still have to face this horrible world....

 

-Mario: Aw, nuts...In any case, you're in no state to continue fighting, so....

 

-Triclyde: So that means you're next, bignose! For so long, I've waited for this!

 

-One Single Troopa That Doesn't Know When To Shut Up: General Triclyde, sir! Something strange is happening!

 

-Triclyde: What?! I had given you the death penalty! How come you're still alive?!

 

-One Single Troopa and so on...: But, sir, we're under attack from behind! It's terrible! An intruder is destroying a massive amount of our vehicles! We shot the following footage of this attacker...

 

He then hands Clyde a photograph on which Mouser can be seen, punching a tank to pieces.

 

-Triclyde: What?! No, not him! It can't be!

 

Screen cuts to a shot of Mouser lifting a tank above his head and hurling it onto another tank, causing both tanks to explode. Troopas run around in panic as Mouser continues to rip several tanks to shreds with his bare hands.

 

-Mouser: Huwwwoarrrgh! Full powerrr! Payback time, Triclyde!

 

Screen cuts back to Triclyde, who is looking deeply worried...

 

-Triclyde: This is bad...Mouser is the only one whom I fear...If this goes on, he'll turn my whole armada into shrapnel! Allright, attention all troops! Our new target is the intruder who is attacking us from behind! Let rip with full power, concentrate all fire on him! Kill!

 

Immediately, all the tanks and gun turrets that were pointed at Mario turn around and empty their contents in Mouser's direction. However, he is unharmed by the many projectiles exploding around him. Howling in rage, he runs through the clouds of smoke and fire that surround him and continues to punch heavy machinery to pieces.

 

-Triclyde: Rats! It's not working! All of our concentrated firepower isn't enough to even scratch him!

 

-Mario: Hey, what about me? Why is no-one paying attention to me anymore?!

 

-Triclyde: Compared to the threat that Mouser poses, you are negligible, chubby.

 

 

-Mario: What a rip-off!

 

-Triclyde: It looks like we'll have to use our nuclear missile against Mouser...I didn't want to employ it so soon, but there's no other way. Prepare to launch the nuke!

 

After this order has been issued, an enormous atomic missile is loaded into a cannon and fired at Mouser. However, he soon enough notices this approaching projectile and grabs it with his bare hands. After a long struggle, he manages to bring it to a halt, lift it above his head and throw it back to Triclyde's troops.

 

-Triclyde: He has thrown the nuke back at us.....the nuke is about to fall on us....oh heck.....

 

-Everyone: Oh heeeeeck!!

 

While everyone bursts out in desperate panic, the nuke crashes onto Triclyde's armada, and explodes in a humongous burst of fire and smoke, reducing all of the remaining tanks to smouldering piles of rubble...Only Triclyde's giant leading tank is left. Mouser is standing amidst the ravaged machines, facing Triclyde's giant tank, while the sound of wind blowing is heard in the background.....

 

-Mouser: And that just leaves you.....

 

-Triclyde: It seems like I underestimated you....I'm impressed that you managed to destroy my entire millitary force in just one go. You truly have extraordinary fighting abilities....Mouser, would you not like to join me?

 

-Mouser: No!

 

-Triclyde: Think about it....By combining your superhuman muscle-power and my finely-tuned intellect, we would be invincible! An unbeatable team, just like Sailor Neptune and Uranus!....No, hold on what am I saying?...We'd be an unbeatable team, just like....uhm...two people that would make an unbeatable team!

 

-Mouser: I said no! There's no way I'll do that!

 

-Triclyde: Doesn't it appeal to you? You could rule the entire world, be rich beyond your wildest dream and have any man you want....

 

-Mouser: There's only one man I want, and you are that man's enemy! For what you have done to Lord Koopa, I can never forgive you! I won't rest until I've smashed your ugly mug in!

 

-Triclyde: I see, there's no reasoning with you after all. Very well then, have it your way...I didn't want it to come to this, but you really leave me no choice...Well, here goes! Commence assembly! Arise, ultra doomsday mech Armaggeddon!!

 

Those words cause the tank underneath Triclyde to pulsate, and amazingly, it then shifts form and becomes an enormous robot, which stands tall in front of Mouser. Triclyde's voice can be heard, coming from the robot.

 

-Triclyde: Uh wah ha ha ha ha....You see, I think of everything. The doomsday machine you see before you, Armaggeddon, was built just in case it would come to this. Even with your overwhelming physical strenght, can you defeat such a towering machine? Do you really think you stand a chance?!

 

-Mouser: I've sworn to fight until the very end for my Lord Koopa, and until I'm properly dead, I'm not giving up!

 

-Triclyde: Tsch...idiot. It's a shame...you could've been an outstanding fighter, if only you weren't so sickeningly immature. Now, it looks like you will have to die. Game.....Start!!

 

The towering machine and Mouser then dashed at each other and began to slug it out seriously, with the robot throwing several punches that Mouser easily avoided. Camera zooms out to reveal Mario and the others, who are sitting on a couch, with packs of crisps and cans of softdrink, watching this scene as if it was a TV program.

 

-Mario: This is fun to watch! Beats sumo wrestling and giant rubber monster movies!

 

-Toad: I'll bet 20 gold coins that they'lll end up killing each other.

 

 

-Yoshi: Pass me some more potato chips, will you?

 

-Mario: Weren't you supposed to be feeling terribly sick?

 

-Yoshi: Oddly, I feel much better now *stupid grin*

 

-Mario: Hmm, your stomach is very selective when it comes to illness...

 

Screen cuts to a shot of Triclyde at the controls of the robot, laughing evilly.

 

-Triclyde: Hu ha ha ha ha! This is it! Die!!

 

Cut to a shot of the robot lunging it's fist directly at Mouser.

 

-Mouser: Bring it on, I'm ready!

 

Mouser intercepts the robot's huge fist by grabbing it with both hands. He then tightly graps the giant mechanical hand in his arms, and concentrating all his efforts, he then begins to pull with all his might.

 

-Mouser: Huuurrrrgggnnnnnnhhh......

 

-Triclyde: Ah ha ha ha haa!! Do you honestly think that will get you anywhere?! You're pathetic!

 

-Mouser: Hhggggnnnnnnsssshhhhuuuuddduuuup!

 

-Triclyde: It's no good, face it! Whatever you're trying to do, you're not strong enough!

 

-Mouser: Hrrrrrrroooaaaaawhurrrrrrgh!

 

This continued test of his might was paying it's toll on Mouser; veins and blood vessels began to swell up everywhere, his eyes grew increasingly more bloodshot and he began to violently foam at the mouth, yet he still continued to pull at the robot's arm with his full force. At the robot's commands, Triclyde was still struck with disbelief at this display of extreme pig-headedness.

 

-Triclyde: Stop being so stubborn! You won't defeat me like that, not in a million years!

 

But suddenly, a red light begins to flash on the control panel before Triclyde.

 

-Triclyde: What's this? "Emergency"?! No way! The left arm is losing power?! It's not possible...no, he couldn't ...!!

 

Cut to a close-up of Mouser, who finally sees his prolongued struggle rewarded.

 

-Mouser: Huuurrrrrghnnnn, I've got you now! Eat this! Hrrrruwaaarrrrgh!!

 

With one mighty yank, he then rips off the entire left arm of the gigantic robot, and the huge metal arm crashes to the ground. Inside the robot's control cockpit, Triclyde is gripped by sudden panic.

 

-Triclyde: Nooo! The entire left arm is gone! This is totally nuts! He can't just rip off the arm of a robot twenty times bigger than himself! It makes no sense! I don't believe it!

 

Meanwhile, Mouser has picked up the robot's severed arm and hoists it above his head.

 

-Mouser: And now for the finishing blow! Say your prayers, Triclyde! You're about to find out that love truly is the strongest force on earth! Hyaaaah!!

 

He then hurls the severed arm into the air like a spear. The enormous hunk of metal soars through the sky and pierces right through the giant robot's torso. Empaled on it's own arm, the robot slowly sinks to the ground, while several parts begin to explode. Inside the smouldering robot, Triclyde is having a major freak attack..

 

-Triclyde: Yeeeek!! No way, this is completely crazy! This can't be happening! Yeeeeh, flip! Oowahahahahaa! It's nuts! Everyone is crazy! Yeehahahahahaaa! Woohahahahaheehee! Totally crazy! Heeheehoowaa!!

 

The robot continues to slowly fall to the ground, much to the displeasure of Mario and co.

 

-Toad: Aiiieee! That huge thing is going to fall onto us!

 

-Mario: Yoshi, quick, eat that robot before we get crushed!

 

-Yoshi: Ooohhh, I feel so sick all of a sudden.......

 

-Mario: Not again!

 

-Luigi: We will all die, there's no more hope for us...this is the end....

 

-Toad: Shut up, you! Now hurry, run for it!

 

Just as they're going to leg it, the robot crashes onto them, and a "squish" noise is heard. Camera pans around the now-motionless robot, lying on it's back, with the severed arm sticking out of it's chest, and then zooms in to Mouser, who is still drenched in sweat, covered with bruises and breathing heavily, but looking very happy.

 

-Mouser: I...*huff*...I did it! I fought for my Lord Koopa, and.....*pant, oof*... I won! Milord, look at me! I did it! I really....I really did it!

 

Slowly, his eyes then close and he sinks to the ground, where he lies sleeping with a big smile on his face. At that point, Koopa pops out of some bushes and hesitantly approaches this scene.

 

-Koopa: Whoa, what a mess....So, he sent Clyde packing....

 

At that point, a small figure appears on the horizon, squeaking and yelping. As it comes closer, it's revealed to be an overjoyed Fryguy, who shrieks out these phrases as he runs towards Koopa:

 

-Fryguy: Lord Koopa! You're baaack! I'm so happy! When Clyde went crazy, I was so scared! He scared the hell out of me, so I ran away. But now you're back and I don't need to be scared anymore!

 

-Koopa: Well, it's thanks to Mouser, really. He took on the legion of tanks all by himself, and he even defeated the giant robot...

 

A quick shot of the defeated robot is shown, which produces this reaction from Fryguy:

 

-Fryguy: Yeek! What is that huge thing?! It's scary! Aiieee! Somebody give me a cigarrette!

 

At that moment, the princess arrives on the scene, equally happy to see Koopa.

 

-Princess: Koopa! It's you! You're safe!

 

-Koopa: Hey, nice to see you, babe! As you see, I'm safe and have everything under control (except that my entire army has just been smashed).

 

-Princess: I was so worried! When I heard that Triclyde had kicked you out and that he had declared war on us, I was this close to a complete freak attack! It sure is good to have you back! You're my hero!

 

-Fryguy: But, it was really Mouser who did all the work....

 

-Princess: Shut it, you nicotine nerdy! Who the hell asked you for your dumb comments?!

 

-Fryguy: Yeek! You're scaring me!

 

-Koopa: I suppose we really do owe Mouser a lot...Heh, for a mere mouse, he sure can fight! (and he's a pretty good kisser, too).

 

-Princess: Now do you see what you've done with your stupid remarks, you Pall Mall pansy?! Why I oughtta....

 

-Fryguy: Eeyaaah! Nooo!! *faints*

 

-Koopa: Hmm? Were you talking to Fryguy?

 

-Princess: Oh no, it's nothing. Now how about you and me heading back to your place?

 

-Koopa: Oh, of course! I've got my wardrobe back! All of my trendy outfits! There's one I just know you'll love, it's sooo me!

 

-Princess: Sounds good, let's go!

 

Koopa then picks up the unconscious Fryguy and the sleeping Mouser and walks off with the princess. Camera zooms in to the remains of Triclyde's robot. A hatch opens in the robot's chest and Triclyde's heads pop out.

 

-Triclyde: This is not the end of it yet.....

 

Cut to a quick shot of a paper-flat Mario, Toad and Yoshi crawling out from underneath the robot's corpse.

 

-Mario: Ooowww, that hurt....

 

-Yoshi: Let's get out of here....

 

-Toad: Just a minute, where's Luigi?

 

-Mario: Ah, who cares?

 

Chapter 8 - The Thrilling Adventures of the Lovely Charming Super Hero

 

"Plumber's log, number 99999, 99. We had arrived in the kingdom of Yawnin, and were seeking for help against Koopa. And then..."

-Princess: Hold it, hold it, just a minute. Mario, why in the world do nine episodes out of ten force us to drag ourselves to some stupid location, supposedly "looking for help against Koopa"?

-Mario: Well, it's not my fault, it's the script that says so, and...

-Yoshi: What's a script? Is it something tasty?

-Princess: Nobody will buy the old blame-it-on-the-script excuse, Mario. Now look at this place. Already it's name is "the kingdom of Yawnin", which is not a good start. But it goes steadily downhill from there: there are only 15 inhabitants, and 75% of them can't read.

-Toad: Kinda like our animation staff....

-Princess: There is no electricity or running water, everyone is a complete and utter moron and strictly nothing ever happens, whatsoever. And it's the same thing for every crummy kingdom we have to travel to. What in the world do you think you can find here that will be of any use whatsoever?! What kind of an utterly debile plot premise is this?! Why doesn't someone just shoot our scriptwriters?!

-Toad: Actually, I just did.

-Princess: *thinking to herself* Oh man, this Mario dork is hopeless! I hate getting dragged to boring middle-of-nowhere locations by him! Just wait until I'm back with Koopa, then we'll sort him out once and for all.

-Mario: Well, look, I know that trekking to such dull locations and giving a display of extremely lame witticisms isn't exactly fun, but this is different. You see, in this kingdom of Yawnin, there's a mighty super hero, and his name is the great Snafoo!

-Princess: Come again?

-Mario: The heroic exploits of Snafoo are famous the world over, and this kingdom is his home! If anyone can help us punch Koopa's beer gut in, it's Snafoo!

-Yoshi: I don't know what a Snafoo is, but it sounds pretty tasty.

-Toad: A-herm, Mario, I don't really know how to tell you this....

-Mario: What? What is it?

-Toad: Snafoo is nothing but an elaborate fabrication. The tale of Snafoo is a silly fairy story told to dopey kids who will believe anything.

-Princess: And Mario's mental level is about equal to that.

-Toad: So basically, this Snafoo person is a bit like a Santa Claus-style thing, only less well-marketed.

-Mario: I fail to see the connection...

-Toad: *sigh* The connection is simple: Snafoo doesn't exist.

-Mario: Yes, but what does that have to do with Santa Claus?

-Toad: *sweatdrop* I don't see why I bother. Look, even if he existed, with a name like Snafoo, he'd probably be a hopeless twot. So no big loss there.

-Mario: Well, it's still a major rip-off! Snafoo, you bastard! Damn you to hell for not existing! Grrr, I really need something to take out my frustrations on.

Mario then picks up a large rock and pounds it against Luigi's face a few times. He then kicks Luigi away into the distance.

-Princess: So basically, we came all this way for strictly no reason whatsoever, and it's all Mario's fault....

-Toad: I say we beat him up with a big pointy stick for this.

-Mario: I dare you to.

-Princess: Hrrrmph, Mario is such an idiot, he makes a complete mess out of absolutely everything! *to herself* I sure wish I was with Koopa now...

Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde, standing in front of a large mirror. He's wearing a pale turkis dress and a mock pearl necklace. His middle face is smeared with gratuitous, tarty-looking make-up. His two outermost heads are trying to fit a large, bright pink wig onto the middle head. They sort of succeed, and contemplate themselves in the mirror. The middle head then sighs deeply.

-Triclyde (middle head): Oh man, the things I don't have to do to have another go at global domination. I never thought I'd have to revert to transvestite practises. It's humiliating, I look godawful.

The leftmost head then turns to the middle head and gives it a long, languid stare.

-Triclyde (leftmost head): Oh, on the contrary, I think you're the most ravishing creature I've ever seen. Slurrrp, your perfume drives me wild, you major studmuffin, you.

-Triclyde (middle head): *big sweatdrop* Lefty, his isn't the right time for that kind of thing. Now, we've almost finished our disguise, we only need to add the final touch.

-Triclyde (rightmost head): *groan* Must we really do this?

-Triclyde (middle head): Yes, we do. We need to look as authentic as possible. Koopa is having job interviews to find someone to replace me today. Disguised as a woman, we'll pass this interview. That way, we'll be back in the Koopa empire, with a second chance at taking control. But for that, Righty, we really must do this thoroughly. Now, Lefty, Righty, hide inside my bra and make like a pair of knockers.

Grumbling, Triclyde's left and rightmost heads retract their necks and nestle themselves in the cups of the bra he's wearing.

-Triclyde (middle head): Yes, that looks convincing enough. Try not to move or make noise while you're in there.

The muffled voice of Righty is heard, mumbling these words:

-"It's really crowded in here, and I can't breathe well. And Lefty keeps trying to bite my nose"-

-Triclyde: It'll never work this way...

Fade out and cut to a shot of a large poster with Koopa on it. He's dressed in a feathered, bright pink bikini, with a stern expression on his face, and is pointing his left index finger forward. The text on the poster reads "I WANT YOU....baby". Camera scrolls down to reveal the following text at the bottom of the poster:

-"Job opening: We're currently looking for someone to replace our recently kicked out Third Dumbbell Sidekick (tm). Please apply, we'll take just about anyone. Honestly. And all you have to do is hang around a crummy bar. Okay, so the pay's rotten, and you'll have perverted maniacs as your colleagues and as your superior as well, but still, you know, give it a go. Or not. See if we care."-

Fade out and cut to a shot of Fryguy, behind a desk, with a big cigar between his lips. Opposite to him is a dopey-looking middle-aged man wearing a pair of panties on his head.

-Fryguy: So, you came for the job? You must really be desperate.

The strange guy replies to this in these words

-Weirdo guy: I sure am. Allow me to introduce myself: I'm Snafoo. I used to be a bit of a hero-type, that is, until the panties-on-the-head look went out of fashion. It's all Sailor Senshi and Pocket Monsters now, the hero business has no more room for me. Still, it's never too late to teach an old dog new tricks, right?

-Fryguy: Yes, well, I'm afraid you're not quite what we're looking for, Mister Snafoo. Thank you for your time, you may leave now. Please call in the next applicant on your way out.

-Snafoo: Aww, what a rip-off.

Cut to a shot of Triclyde, still in his dress, with Lefty and Righty tucked in his bra and out of sight. He's sitting on a chair outside of a big door with a sign on it that reads "Job interviews here". Muffled voices can be heard from time to time.

-"No, Lefty, stop that, not now."

-"But Righty, your nose is so cute. I want to nibble it."

The door then opens and Snafoo walks out. Upon witnessing this, Triclyde has the following reaction.

-Triclyde: Ha ha ha ha! That silly face!

-Snafoo: *sigh* No-one respects an ex-hero anymore. Well, it's your turn now, bloke in a dress. Good luck.

Triclyde then pops into Fryguy's "office", and in a most phoney and unconvincing high-pitched girly voice, he speaks these words:

-Triclyde: *a-herm* Hellooo there, big boy. Well, my lil' ol' name's Trashika, and I came for that job you offer there.

-Fryguy: *to himself* Trashika....Whoa, she's hot! *then to Triclyde* Well, I have news you for you, miss Trashika, you've got the job!

-Triclyde: Eh? Really?

-Fryguy: Sure thing. Come down to the Koopa Kafé bar with me, I'll show you around!

-Triclyde: *to himself* Hmm, this is going better than I expected.

Fade out and cut to a view of Mouser's room, still with the various Koopa-worshipping items, now including the pair of black, skull-imprinted boxers, framed and hanging from a wall. Zoom in to Mouser, who is lying asleep in bed, mumbling these words in his slumber:

-Mouser: Mmmmhhnn...oh...Lord Koopa....ahh, that hurts so good....don't stop, milord....

Suddenly, an alarm clock begins to ring, and he wakes up with a start, gasping for breath. He then slowly turns to the ringing alarm clock and gives the object a long, menacing stare from his still-sleepy and baggy eyes. He slowly pulls a six-shooter from underneath his pillows, points it at the alarm clock, and blows it to bits with a well-aimed gunshot.

-Mouser: That'll teach you to walk in on me and Lord Koopa when we were -this- close......even if it was just a dream. Man, my head sure hurts now....

He then slumps out of bed, slips on a pair of snug-fitting black leather trousers and a shiny pink leather jacket, and walks off, in the direction of the Koopa Kafé. However, on his way there, he spots Snafoo, who is standing in one of the castle halls, staring at one of the "I WANT YOU......baby" job application posters, with Koopa's picture on them.

-Snafoo: That Koopa jerk...Damn him! How dare they turn me down like this?! And then they hire the bloke in the dress straight away! What a bunch of bastards! Grrr!

No longer able to contain himself, Snafoo then tears the poster from the wall and begins to rip it to pieces.

-Snafoo: Die, Koopa, die!!

Upon witnessing this, Mouser slowly but surely walks up to Snafoo, with a menacing glare.

-Mouser: And just what do you think -you- are doing?

-Snafoo: I'm ripping up a poster of a perverted freak. What's it to you, rat?

-Mouser: Right, that just about does it. I'll have you know I'm in a very bad mood in the mornings!

-Snafoo: But it's 2 o'clock in the afternoon.

-Mouser: Don't contradict me! It really gets on my tits! Now eat this!

Mouser then punches Snafoo right in the face. The impact of this punch sends Snafoo flying. He crashes through a castle wall and is flung off into the distance, screaming like a maniac. Fade out and cut to a shot of Triclyde and Fryguy in the Koopa Kafé bar.

-Fryguy: Well, this is the place. The food is absolutely rancid, and there really isn't anything to do besides taking an overdose of intoxicating materials. We did have a pool table, but...

Cut to a rapid shot of a pool table, smashed in half, with crushed 8-balls and broken que sticks lying around.

-Fryguy:...Mouser lost his temper when he kept losing and smashed it up. It was really scary! Then, Lord Koopa had an arcade game installed here. It was called "lovely dynamite pixie warrior Sweety Candy fighters Super R". Lord Koopa seems to like that kind of thing. Playing it was kinda scary....but alas, Mouser kept losing again, and it got on his nerves, so he ripped out the control sticks and threw the machine against a wall. He's a little strange...

-Triclyde: Oh, tell me something I don't know.

At that point, Mouser pops up behind Fryguy

-Mouser: Oi, smokey, that's my seat you're in. Push off.

-Fryguy: Yeek! Okay, okay, please don't do anything scary!

-Mouser: Hrmmm....*turns to Triclyde* and what do you call this?

-Fryguy: Oh, this is our new employee, and her name's Trashika!

-Mouser: Tsch, you couldn't choose a hot guy, of course, you little tobacco twerp.

-Fryguy: Come on now, be nice to her...

-Mouser: Don't you start to tell me what to do here! Now listen up, newcomer!

-Triclyde: Ah....you mean me?

-Mouser: That's right. First rule here: Lord Koopa is mine. Come anywhere near him and you'll be picking shotgun shells outta your tampax. I'll have you know that I don't like women at all. Now, you got all that, newcomer?!

-Fryguy: Mouser, c'mon, don't be so rude to her.

-Mouser: You keep your ciggie-breath outta this, or else...!!

-Fryguy: Aieee, it's scary! Mommyyyy, I want a Camel!

-Triclyde: Uhmm, well, if you boys don't mind, I'll just pop down to the little girls room and powder my lil' ol' nose, okies?

Clyde then rushes off into the ladies' room, where he speaks these words:

-Triclyde: Okay boys, you can come out now.

His two outermost heads, Lefty and Righty immediately pop out from his dress, gasping for breath.

-Lefty: Phew...oof, any longer and I would've suffocated in that bra!

-Righty: Actually, I was beginning to think it was quite cosy in there.

-Lefty: I don't want to hear anymore from you, Righty! Clyde, this whole Trashika masquerade isn't working out! What if you forget to give us a breathing pause, and we really end up dying of suffocation?!

-Clyde: Well, what do you suggest I do about it? Give you a friggin' oxigen tank?

-Righty: Hmm, and in what part of your dress would you hide an oxigen tank, eh?

-Clyde: Well, for now, you'll just have to endure this bra thing, Lefty. Try to take only shallow breaths. Now get back in there, I can't stay in the can all day long.

-Lefty: *sigh* Oh, allright then. And if you try anything freakish on me while we're in there, Righty, I'll scream!

-Clyde: Oh no, I can't have a buste that begins to scream, that'd give us away!

Cut to a shot of Mario, running along the muddy, empty roads of Yawnin. Toad and the princess are chasing him, brandishing pointed sticks. They run around in circles, while Yoshi just sits there in the background, and watches them with glee.

-Toad: That's the last time you'll drag us to a cruddy kingdom for no reason at all! Eat pointed stick punishment, Mario!

-Mario: I was prepared for this! Luigi Shield, go!

Mario the takes out Luigi and uses him as a shield to block the pointy stick blows from Toad and the princess.

-Mario: And now, I'm on the attack! Luigi Swipe!

Mario swings Luigi around horizontally, like a sword, but Toad and the princess just jump away. Luigi ends up getting smashed against a nearby big boulder. Yoshi then speaks up.

-Yoshi: Ha ha ha ha ha! Now that's entertaining! Go for it, guys!

At that point, a screaming figure comes falling from the sky and crashes onto Yoshi. Snafoo, for it is him, then picks himself up and rubs his badly bruised jaw.

-Snafoo: Owww, that sure hurts...Hmm, that kid...

He has a rapid flashback to the angry look Mouser gave him.

-Snafoo: Man, he has some punch! He's my type! I like him, he's hot!

Mario and the others then menacingly approach Snafoo.

-Toad: Who -is- this freak?

-Mario: He looks almost as hopelessly debile as Luigi.

-Yoshi: Should I eat him?

-Snafoo: Ah, wait, you don't understand! I'm actually pretty famous around here! You may have heard about me; my name's Snafoo!

-Princess: Nope, never heard of.

-Mario: But princess, Snafoo is the one I was just telling you about!

-Princess: Oh yeah, that totally slipped my mind.

-Mario: See, Snafoo does exist! I bet he's still on an amazing adventure as of now!

-Snafoo: Nah, not really. I just came from there.

With those words, Snafoo points to a shoddily drawn castle-like building in the distance.

-Toad: But...that is...!!

-Mario: It's one of Koopa's kookie castles! And Snafoo went in there on his own! I told you he was one hell of a hero!

-Snafoo: Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to that castle thingie.

-Mario: Wow! He gets knocked down, but he goes right back in!

-Toad: Only a real idiot would do such a thing....

-Mario: Snafoo, we will all come with you to help out with your fight against Koopa!

-Toad: Not on yer life. We're not going in there with you two twerps, no chance.

-Princess *thinking* Hmm, it might be a good idea to go there with Mario. While we're in that castle, I'll find a moment to sneak off and join Koopa again, and then we'll kill Mario with the many traps and guards inside the castle! Heh heh heh heh....

Cut to a shot of Snafoo and the Mario gang standing outside Koopa's castle.

-Snafoo: Now, how do we get in there?

-Mario: Don't panic, I've got just the thing! The Luigi hammer technique!

Mario picks up Luigi and slams him against the castle wall repeatedly, but nothing happens.

-Mario: These castle walls are too solid! Luigi, you absolute no-hoper! You're useless! Arrrgh!

Angered, Mario hurls Luigi to the ground and stomps on him a few times.

-Yoshi: So, what do we do now?

-Mario: You could eat us a hole into the castle walls....

-Yoshi: Ooohhh, owww, my stomach hurts.

-Mario: Never mind...

-Toad: This is just a suggestion, but what if we just used the door?

Everyone then turns around and notices that Toad is pointing to a large doorway, wide open, with nothing in their way whatsoever. Loud crow-cawing resounds in the background. Cut to a shot of the Mario bunch, sneaking around Koopa's castle, wearing paper bags over their heads.

-Mario: Hah! Our disguise is perfect! No-one will figure out that it's really us!

Suddenly, an alarm siren begins to ring, and a speaker system belts out these words:

-"Warning! Warning! The Mario gang have invaded our fortress, wearing paper bags on their heads! Engage battle immediately! Fire at will and shoot to kill!"-

-Mario: Then again, maybe not....

Immediately, a long whip comes lashing onto the screen. It enlaces the princess' ankle and drags her away, to a grinning Koopa, with several troops standing around him.

-Mario: No way! Koopa's got the princess!

-Princess: *happily surprised* Koopa, it's you!

-Koopa: Yo, your feet are looking as slurp-tastic as ever! Well, now to finish off Mario and those other no-hopers! Activate the Thwomps!

Several Thwomps then come crashing down, and Luigi is crushed by one of them. While more Thwomps begin to slam down around the Mario bunch, they gradually panic.

-Snafoo: Eeek! What is going on here?!

-Toad: It's terrible! Those Thwomps are surrounding us!

Camera zooms out and shows that the Thwomps have formed a circle around Mario and co, which means they're well and truly trapped now. Mouser, Fryguy and Triclyde (still in drag) then jump into this Thwomp circle and face Mario.

-Mouser: Hu ha ha ha ha! Now, you're imprisoned in our Thwomp arena!

-Mario: Naah, I can just jump over these naff Thwomps.

-Mouser: Think again, porky!

The ceiling then lowers itself, making it impossible to jump over the wall of Thwomps.

-Mario: Oh well, what's the difference?

-Mouser: The difference is that you can't escape me now! I'll send you to a gatling-gun grave!

-Snafoo: Oh! It's him! It's my hottie boy!

-Everyone: Huh??

Snafoo the rushes up to Mouser and takes his hands.

-Snafoo: Please, I beg of you, punch me again! It felt so good! Punch me, please!

-Mouser: It'll be my pleasure! Eat it!

With his thundering fist, Mouser then knocks out a few of Snafoo's teeth. This sends Snafoo slamming against the Thwomp walls, where he remains unconscious.

-Mouser: And now, you will all die!

-Fryguy: Mouser, wait a minute! Let me fight them this time!

-Mouser: You? What in the world can -you- do?

-Fryguy: Trust me, I won't fail this time...*to himself* I'll give it my all! In front of the beautiful miss Trashika, I'll show my strength, as a man!

-Mouser: Well, fine by me, go ahead if you must. See if I care what happens to you.

-Fryguy: Okay! Miss Trashika, I'll fight this battle in name of you!

-Triclyde: Oh....uhm, great.

Fryguy then takes out the Kaleido Moon Smoke and points it at Mario.

-Fryguy: Mario! We still have some unfinished business! But I'm not the same as before!

-Mouser: Oh, that's right, you did switch to a different brand of cigarettes. But will that make any difference?

-Fryguy: Just leave this to me! By the power of the Kaleido Moon Smoke, the cigarettes of this world are mine to command! Legato, Merryl, Wolfwood! It's up to you now! Attack!

Once again, nothing at all happens.

-Toad: I see, we're back to this again...

-Mario: He's making an idiot out of himself, as usual. I'll just punch his face in, shall I?

-Fryguy: Hah! I still have my Run Away Move! Here goes!

He then turns around and begins to leg it...and runs right into the Thwomp wall, which causes him to pass out.

-Mouser: Stupid...

-Mario: We all saw that coming. Now for a quick Luigi club attack to finish this!

-Toad: Only Luigi just got crushed under a Thwomp.

-Mario: What?! No way! Luigi, you stupid bastard! *sigh* Oh well, I'll just have to use Toad, then.

-Toad: What?? Ooooh no, you wouldn't dare...!

But it's too late. Mario grabs Toad and flings him at Mouser and Triclyde. Mouser rapidly dodges this, but Clyde is hit right in the face and passes out, as well as Toad.

-Mario: And another one bites the dust! That just leaves the gay rat.

-Mouser: Hrrrmmm, you'll soon regret using that kind of language! A couple of UZI's should be enough to teach you some manners, the hard way! Eat it!

Several UZI rounds are fired at Mario, who jiggles around in hysteria to avoid them.

-Mouser: Wu hu ha ha ha ha ha! No use, Mario! You won't get away! And if you don't feel like UZI, I'll gladly switch to going bazooka ballistic! Uwaah ha ha ha ha!

He then produces a large bazooka and prepares to fire.

-Mario: Yikes! This is bad! Quick, Yoshi, we need you now! Eat us a way out of this Thwomp prison!

-Yoshi: No, I'm too full. I can't eat another bite....

-Mario: That's bull! You haven't eaten for a moderately halfway long period of time! What could have made you full?

-Yoshi: *burp* Well, I was getting bored, so I ate Snafoo.

-Mario: What??!

Mario then notices a half-eaten slip hanging from Yoshi's lips: the very same slip that Snafoo used to be wearing on his head.

-Yoshi: He was cannabis-flavoured! Pretty tasty!

-Mario: Now what will we do?!

-Mouser: You'll die, that's what! Fire!!

A smoking missile is then fired from Mouser's bazooka. Mario and Yoshi dodge it, and it ends up blowing up the Thwomp wall. Before the smoke clears up, Mario and Yoshi, dragging the knocked-out Toad with them run away, but Mouser is right behind them, spraying bullets left, right and center. Fryguy then wakes up and notices that Triclyde is still lying there, unconscious.

-Fryguy: Oh no, miss Trashika! Say something! Miss Trashika, are you allright?!

Concerned, he then tries to shake Triclyde a bit, in order to wake him up. However, this causes Clyde's pink wig to slide off his head. Fryguy's eyes widen, he screams at the top of his lungs and faints again. Cut to Koopa and the princess, in a luxurious suite, where they're beholding how Mouser chases Mario through the kingdom of Yawnin.

-Princess: Ha ha ha ha! This is hysterical!

-Koopa: We really should do this more often, don't you think?

-Princess: Fully agreed! Ah, this is the life!

-Koopa: How about driving over some innocent bystanders with steam rollers later on?

-Princess: Sounds great! Wee, we have so much fun together!

-Koopa: Just wait, my dear, it'll only get better and better.

-Princess: Ahh, my big glob of repulsive toxic waste, how you revolt me....mmmmh

Cut to a shot of Mario himself, still running in panic, with hefty ammo exploding all around him.

-Mario: Aaahhh, enough already! I got the message! This is the last time I'll go for the dumb "travel to some crap kingdom to look for help against Koopa" scenario! Once I get my hands on the scriptwriters, they'll be dead!

Fade out as the explosive Mario-Mouser chase scene continues....